


Ten Feet Off The Ground

by reddragon29



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, But she is, Clarke is in the closet, Closeted Bisexual, F/F, Fluff, Happy Ending, Slow Burn, i don't know how Lexa is getting through this, squad goals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-08-21 20:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8259380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reddragon29/pseuds/reddragon29
Summary: Several guys bring Clarke baked goods in hopes of being her date to her mother's annual Halloween party, but she has a certain someone in mind that she's waiting for. Closeted, she can't say who, and her friends don't have a clue.





	1. View From Space

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely readers! It's been a few months since I stretched my fingers and wrote something on here. It's kind of long, and I have plans to continue from here, but my schedule will really limit how often I post updates if I do end up continuing. I originally wrote this as a stand alone, so hopefully it doesn't seem too awkward if I leave it as a one shot. 
> 
> Feel free to let me know of any mistakes!
> 
> Cheers,  
> Red

Clarke had two choices in front of her. There was the sweet, vanilla cupcake with rainbow sprinkles on top. Or was the bitter, chocolate cupcake with black bat sprinkles. The second one was more appropriate for the upcoming holiday, as the trees coated their green leaves in red and orange in the midst of autumn.

She looked up at the two boys who had given her these baked goods as a gift and a bribe. Both of them wanted to be her date to her mom’s Halloween party. After the huge Date Fiasco when Clarke answered “maybe” to fifteen different boys about being her date to the Valentine’s Day dance, Abby set down some ground rules: woo her daughter with a cupcake; if she picks you cupcake, you get to be her date. Otherwise you have to leave Clarke and her date alone. Seven years later, Abby’s annual Halloween Party was the only event that mattered to the boys who wanted to be Clarke’s date. Even if she was dating someone at the time of the holiday, if she picked someone else’s cupcake, they had to let her alone for the night. There were a number of rounds the boys had to go through to be her date, since not all of them came to her at once.

Clarke never told anyone, but every year she got a few extra cupcakes from girls. She tried to acknowledge them the best she could in private, because was bisexual and it was a nice gesture, but she wasn’t out yet and she didn't want to let any of them down if she decided to stay in the closet indefinitely. Most of the ones that came from girls she was sure had no idea that she was bi, they were only throwing out a bone and hoping they’d be rewarded.

“So which is it?” Finn asked. “Which one of us is out of the game?”

She looked up at the two boys standing across from her. Then back down at the sweets. Finn’s was the more festive one, matching his dark and brooding personality. The other one, Bellamy’s, matched his sweet and kind demeanor as well. She’d rather Bellamy over Finn any day, except that Bellamy was like her brother and who goes to a party with their brother?

“Finn,” she said, figuring she could knock Bellamy’s offer out when the next one came in. If there was one. The number of men in her life was dwindling, either from petering connection or they found someone else. With Halloween only a few days away, she was crossing all of her fingers.

“Sorry, mate, seems she doesn’t want to show up to her mom’s party with her greasy ex-boyfriend,” Bellamy teased, clapping a hand on Finn’s shoulder.

“Abby never liked me anyways,” Finn sighed. He pointed to his cupcake. “You can keep that if you’d like. Plenty more where that came from. See you later, Clarke, Blake.” He gave a small wave then let himself out of Clarke’s apartment.

“I don’t suppose you want me as your date to your mom’s party either? I just heard Finn would be making an offer and figured I’d put my name into the hat to give him a little competition. And give you an escape goat.”

“Thanks Bell. And no, I’m not really keen on giving my mom the satisfaction of us finally going on a date. As soon as the next offer’s up I’m taking it. No offense, of course.”

“None taken.”

Clarke picked up the rejected boy’s cupcake and examined it. “Finn always bought me chocolates even though I don’t like them.”

 

/////

 

The doorbell rang. Bellamy shuffled to open the door since he was closest, with Clarke not far behind. It was Wells, another childhood friend, holding another cupcake.

“Hey Bell, is Clarke home?” Wells asked, not even phased by the fact that Bellamy opened the door instead of her.

“I’m right here.” Clarke pushed her way through Bellamy to face him. She looked at what he was holding. “Oh that looks like a good one.”

“Strawberry, because I know you don’t like chocolate and I knew every other guy was going to get you vanilla if they didn’t get you chocolate,” Wells blurted.

Clarke thought for a moment. “Hm, this one’s smart, eh Bell? Wells, I’m sorry, but I’ve already chosen Bellamy as my date to my mom’s party.”

His face turned downcast. “That’s alright,” he said even though it clearly wasn’t. “Do you want this anyways?”

“Only if you take the chocolate one Finn gave me.”

“Deal.”

“Come on in, I put it in the fridge. It’s movie night, care to join?”

“Um, no thanks, I’ll just get the cupcake and then be on my way.”

“Hi Wells,” Raven called from the couch in the next room. He walked in, waving, also noticing Octavia laying across her lap.

“Hi Raven, hi Octavia. Haven’t seen you in a while.”

Octavia gestured to his hands. “I guess you’ve been rejected as Clarke’s date as well.”

“Unfortunately. She said she’s going with Bellamy.”

Octavia and Raven looked at each other. “First we’re hearing about it.”

“Really? I thought--”

“Here’s the cupcake, Wells,” Clarke interrupted, shoving the chocolate one into his hand and taking the strawberry one. “Out you go, I’ll see you at my mom’s party in a few days.”

“Okay but--”

“Bye!” Clarke pushed him out the door and shut it behind him. Then she went and flopped on the couch, taking care not to sit on Octavia’s legs.

“Please tell me you aren’t actually taking my stupid brother,” Octavia groaned.

“Who is right here,” he reminded her.

“Right, sorry.”

“No, I’m not, I’m not taking anyone yet,” Clarke told them.

“Yet? What do you mean ‘yet’?” Raven asked.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “I mean, that I haven’t been asked by the right person. Yet,” she added. “Start the movie already.”

“But Clarke!” Raven whined. “You’ve crossed off most of the eligible guys in your life, and I would have thought you would for sure have gone with Wells. He’s been worrying about when and how to ask you for weeks.”

“Then he’ll just have to wait another year to ask again. Start the movie!”

Bellamy grabbed the remote and hit play. He only let it play for a few minutes before pausing it again. 

“You aren’t even watching!” Octavia kicked her, hard.

“Ow!” Clarke looked up from her phone to glare at her friend. “I was. I just got a text.”

“And since when do you answer texts in the middle of a movie night?”

“Since never, that’s when,” Raven chimed in. “Put the phone down Clarke."

The phone started ringing. “Hold on, they’re calling me. Go ahead and watch the movie without me. This shouldn’t take long.” She quickly stood up and left the apartment, ignoring the protests of her friends. Once outside she answered the call. “Hey Lexa.”

“Hey Clarke. How was movie night going?”   


“Ugh, so awkward. Thanks for getting me out of there."

“No problem.”

“I managed to convince every guy to be my date to my mom’s Halloween party that I was going with Bellamy, all while telling my friends I didn’t know who I’m going with. Wells came by earlier and told Raven and Octavia I said I was going with Bellamy. They were so confused and in denial that I would ever go anywhere with him that they almost ruined all my hard work,” she chuckled. “Thank God I was able to get Wells out of there before they told him I didn’t actually have a date yet.”

“That sounds awkward, I’m sorry. So you’ve turned down every guy who’s asked. Now what?”

“Eh, I don’t know. I was thinking I could go alone this year.”

“And what would your mom say to that? She sounds like the kind of woman who would try to set you up with a son of someone she knows if you didn’t willingly find yourself a date.”

“Yeah,” Clarke sighed. “That’s exactly what kind of woman she is. And the older I get the more she’s pushing me to settle down with a guy. Offering to talk to one of the doctors at the hospital.”

“Doesn’t Wells’ dad work at the hospital too?”

“Mmhm, neurosurgery. That’s how our parents met and why we spent so much time together growing up. I’m pretty sure they have a bet on whether or not we’ll get married.”

“Ew, I hate when parents do that.”

“They’ve also got one on me and Bell, but that’s for sure never going to happen.”

“I think it degrades us, like they can play with our lives.”

“Exactly.”

Both of them paused. Then they both spoke at the same time.

“Do you want to come over for movie night?--”

“--When can I see you next?”

“You first,” Clarke laughed.

“I was asking when I could maybe see you next,” Lexa laughed as well. “It’s been a few weeks.”

“You saw me two days ago?”

“Yeah, but you know, our last date was two  _ weeks _ ago.”

“Lex, you’re so old fashion, all ‘when can I see you next.’ Is this the date when you propose?”

“Of course not, I’m not ready for that, but I suppose it might happen someday with someone.”

“Don’t think we’ll last that long?”

“I think I don’t want to count my chickens before they’ve hatched. I’m very fond of you and I don’t want to rush into things.” 

Clarke could understand that, but she continued to tease her. “It’s the twenty-first century, some people get married as soon as their second date.”

“So you’re saying you want to get married?”

“No, Lex, I’m teasing. Neither of us are ready for that, don’t worry.”

“Okay, I thought you were serious for a second there, I was about to start panicking about affording a decent ring.”

“We’ve got time to work that all out. More dates and stuff. And I’d want to tell Raven, O, and Bellamy that we’re dating at all first, before we start thinking about it.”

“It’s not like I’d be incompatible with them though. We’re all friends, aren’t we?”

“Oh no, I’m not worried about that. If I’m going to get married I want them to be there, grudge free, I can’t have them mad at me for not telling them. I imagine Bell would come regardless, but the other two are stubborn.”

“You’re talking about this an awful lot for someone who wants to wait a few more dates.”

“Whatever.”

“What did you say earlier?”

“I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to come over and join us for movie night.”

“I feel like if you had gone first we could have avoided the whole wedding thing, Clarke.”

“I am also realizing that just now. The offer still stands.”

“Um, I’ll have to check to see if Anya needs the car in the morning.”

Clarke smirked even though she knew Lexa wouldn’t be able to see it on the other side of the line. “What? Planning on staying the night?”

“No, Clarke, you cocky sneak. We just put half a gallon in the tank and that’s usually more than enough to get Anya to work but lately it’s been leaky lately.”

“You know Raven can fix that right?”

“We can’t afford a mechanic.”

“I’m sure if you give her those puppy eyes are very convincing if I remember our first date correctly.”

“You would have jumped in the pool regardless.”

“True, but the eyes helped. Just ask, you’ll never know unless you try. Here, I’ll go in and tell them you’re stopping by because of car trouble and then you can stay to finish the movie.”

“Ever the plotter.”

“Oh hush, you like it.”

“Don’t make me regret having feelings for you.”

“That would be a tragedy, you can hardly keep your hands to yourself. What would you do if we stopped seeing each other?”

“Friends get handsy sometimes. I’d get my fix.”

“Okay, well, get your car over here so I can squish your adorable face.”

“Okay okay. You better be ready to cover the cost if she charges.”

“She won’t, Lex, you’re practically part of the squad.”

“Keyword: practically. I’m not in yet.”

“Oh my God. Just get here already. See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

 

/////

 

Clarke hung up. She looked up at the window of her apartment on the third floor. Her friends must’ve turned off the main light because all she could see was the flashing glow of the television. It would be a few minutes until Lexa arrived, too many to stand outside and wait, so she went back upstairs to inform her friends of Lexa’s car troubles.

“Took you long enough,” Raven scolded. “The movie’s halfway through.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Clarke didn’t bother sitting down again. “So um, Lexa is coming by in a few. Car troubles. I kind of told her she could stay for movie night after Raven fixed her car.”

“And you just assume I want to fix her car? For free? And you assume I have my tools in the back of my truck or something?”

“Well...yeah, basically. But I did offer to cover the cost if needed.”

Raven picked up the remote and paused the movie, earning grunts of annoyance from both of the Blakes. “Griffin, you’re in luck, because I do in face have my tools. And I won’t charge her, this time. She’s practically part of the squad.”

Clarke grinned. “Thanks Rae.” Her phone buzzed to alert her Lexa was parked around the corner. “Be down in a sec, raven just has to grab her tools,” she sent back.

The four of them put on their coats and headed down to Raven’s truck with her. Bellamy gave her a boost so all Raven had to do was lift the tarp over the flatbed and pull out the toolbox and box of extra parts. Then, she excitedly demanded to be put down and hobbled around the corner to where Lexa said she was.

“Raven, thank God,” they heard as they rounded the corner. “Anya and I can’t afford a mechanic right now and our gas tank seems to be leaking.”

“Is she with you?” Raven asked, sounding hopeful.

“No, I just figured I’d stop by on my way to the store and hoped you’d be willing to help. I’m sorry to bother you all, I know it’s movie night.”

“Nonsense.” Bellamy waved her apology away as Raven turned to check on the car. “You’re practically part of the squad. All you need to be initiated is a good, old fashioned blood ritual.”

Lexa looked uncomfortable. She shuffled her feet. “Um...”

“He’s kidding,” Octavia assured her. “But we do have an initiation process. We all go skinny dipping down at the lake.”

“All as in?”

“Just us for and the person being initiated. No sense in scaring you away having everyone there. Jasper can be a bit of a perv,” she stage whispered the last part. “Monty’s a sweetheart though, and everyone else is pretty mellow. We four have the power to initiate or ban members of the squad.”

“So I’m joining a cult then?”

“Almost,” Bellamy chuckled.

Clarke reached out to put a hand on her arm, but opted for her shoulder instead at the least second. “It’ll be fun,” she grinned.

“Define fun,” Lexa muttered under her breath.

Raven wriggled out from under the car and patted it happily. “You’re good to go. If it starts leaking again feel free to bring it to my place, and don’t forget to bring your sister this time.”

Lexa smirked. Anya would be pleased to hear that. Her and Raven give each other bedroom eyes every time they see each other and refuse to do anything about it. Not that she was any less subtle around Clarke. “Thanks Raven, I’ll tell her to stop by soon.”

“Great.” Raven grinned. “Are you staying for movie night?”

“What are you watching?”

“We’re about halfway through the first Harry Potter, and we aim to finish the first three tonight.”

Clarke’s hand left Lexa’s shoulder. She knew she should go, they really were in need of groceries, but the thought of cuddling into Clarke on the couch for hours was enticing. It was the image of them sitting there with Clarke’s arms wrapped around her that convinced her.

“I’ll stay. Let me just call Anya and let her know where I am, and about the car. Thanks again, Raven.”

“Ah, no problem.”

Lexa pulled out her phone and gave Anya a call to tell her the news. Then, all five of them made their way up to Clarke’s apartment to park themselves back on the couch. Bellamy sat in the arm chair, while Octavia and Raven snuggled in with each other on one end of the couch. Clarke and Lexa snuggled in on the other end. Bellamy unpaused the movie. “And you better watch this time Clarke.”

She threw a pillow at him.

 

/////

 

At the end of the night, they had gotten through the first four movies. It was three in the morning. Octavia was nearly asleep in Raven’s lap, Bellamy also snoozing in his chair. Clarke and Lexa, on the other hand, were very much awake. Their entwined fingers were hidden under the blanket they pulled over them to keep warm and an electric shock flowed through them every time one of the other three looked their way, worried they could tell. If they noticed they didn’t say anything. As the final credits rolled, Raven dumped Octavia onto the floor and dragged herself to the bathroom. Octavia woke with a grunt when she hit the floor. Groaning, she situated herself on the floor for the night by grabbing a pillow from the couch.

“Off the couch you two. That’s where Raven’s sleeping,” she mumbled. “Doctor’s orders.”

The two remaining girls on the couch separated their hands and moved the blanket away. “Alright, alright.” They stood up and turned off the TV.

“Lexa,” Clarke said softly as to not wake up Bellamy. “Why don’t you come sleep in my room? I have an extra mattress that I can lay out.”

“That’d be great, yeah.”

They left their sleeping friends and went to Clarke’s room. They passed Raven on the way and told her Lexa was to sleep on the extra mattress so she could still have the couch as usual. Clarke switched on the light, blinking in the sudden brightness, and searched her drawer for a shirt and some sweats for Lexa to sleep in. She handed them to her, then went to the bathroom to change and brush her teeth. When she got back to the room, Lexa was on her way out to brush her teeth already changed.

“There’s a toothbrush in the cabinet under the sink.”

“Thanks.”

While she was gone, Clarke dragged out the mattress and some blankets for it. Lexa returned tucking her hair into a ponytail. The sight of her made Clarke stop what she was doing.

“Oh fuck this,” she breathed, abandoning the mattress. “You’re getting in bed with me.” She climbed into her own queen bed and patted the space next to her. Lexa set her clothes on the floor by the door and switched off the light.

“Alright then,” she chuckled quietly.

They laid next to each other and brought the blankets over them. Clarke curled herself around Lexa and breathed in her scent with a smile. She started humming into her neck.

“What song is that?”

“A lullaby my dad used to sing to me. I can’t remember the words, neither can my mom, but I love the tune.”

“It’s very nice,” Lexa muttered. Suddenly she rolled her entire body to face Clarke. Her green eyes for Clarke’s blue ones in the muted light. “Does this count as our date?”

“Of course not, silly.”

“So that means I can still take you out on a proper one to Grounders?”

Clarke smirked. “How would you even get a reservation there?”

“What if I said I already have?”

“I wouldn’t believe you.”

“I think you should stop by the restaurant around, say, 7:30, on Tuesday then. Just to be sure. I’ll be by to check too.”

“Lex, I swear if this is a joke.”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.” Lexa pretended to zip her lips and throw away the key. Clarke squished her face to try and get the information out of her, but she only burrowed deeper into the blankets to escape. Finally, Clarke stopped and pulled her back up to eye level. Their faces were awfully close, closer than they had ever been before. Lexa knew this moment was important. Either they ignored their racing hearts and went to sleep for the night, or they could act on that feeling that was making their hearts beat so quickly. The latter was already in motion, it was shy they had been on any dates at all.

It began when Clarke and Lexa met at an art show, a year and a half ago. After a heated discussion about a certain painting titled  _ View From Space _ , they had gone out for a drink after with Clarke’s friends, where Clarke drunkenly made Lexa guess who she was. Their entire discussion revolved around the meaning of the painting and whether or not it was an accurate view from space. Lexa insisted it wasn’t quite right, because the scene was of the side of the Earth not facing the sun and there were no lights from the big cities. Clarke tried to explain that the artist saw the scene in a dream, where she lived on a space station because there was so much radiation on the Earth. There were no lights because there was nobody left on the planet. Lexa was skeptical about the dream, saying nobody dreamed in that much detail.

“Then you haven’t dreamed,” Clarke told her.

It took Lexa several drinks to finally agree with the statement, and another to finally guess who Clarke was.

“You’re Clarke Griffin, you painted the stupid thing!” she had exclaimed. “No wonder you were so intent on convincing me about the dream.

Three months passed. Clarke invited Lexa to the squad’s outings and it wasn’t long before the others would make plans that automatically included her. Seven for lunch instead of six, one less spot in the car for people who want to tag along. Four months after they met, Lexa decided she wasn’t going to be a lonely coward anymore and asked Clarke on a date. Clark hesitated to say yes, asking Lexa if she could have a few days to think about it. At first Lexa worried that she was wasting her time, that she had fallen for yet another straight girl, but in the end she figured life was going to run it’s course. If Clarke said yes then she said yes, and if she said no then she said no. She did have a hunch that Clarke would say yes though. And she did. After explaining that she wasn’t out to anyone yet about being bisexual and asking if it was okay to be dating on the down low until she was ready to tell everyone. Lexa knew “dating on the down low” could be for days or months, even a year. But she still told Clarke it was fine. They set a date for the next week and it went well, maybe too well; they didn’t mention the day for a month.

When Clarke didn’t say anything or text her about it for the next month, Lexa wondered if it was all a dream, that their date hadn’t been real even if the feelings she felt were the most real she’d ever felt. Then Clarke was on her doorstep in the middle of the night telling her she had a lot of fun on their date and that she had to take some time to come to terms with that. She knew she liked girls and she knew she liked Lexa, but it was all so strange to her still.

“I’ve had crushes on girls before,” she admitted. “But I’ve ever only dated guys.”

Dating Lexa meant coming out eventually and she wasn’t sure if she was comfortable with that so soon. Lexa understood. Coming out was a process, Clarke had only completed the first step up until then: coming out to herself.

A year later, and here they were, lying in bed beside each other. Exactly a year, in fact, since their first date. It was slow going, Lexa wouldn’t deny she was frustrated by their progress, but she liked Clarke a lot and wanted to go at her pace. They’d been on several dates where Clarke was constantly looking over her shoulder for someone they might know in case they were seen together. Lexa did her best not to feel offended or feel like she was being strung along. Especially because at the end of every date Clarke would check in with her about her feelings. The gesture renewed her faith in their relationship, as much as Anya advised her against it. 

Anya didn’t know she was dating Clarke. She knew Lexa was dating some girl she met at the art gallery who she never brought around for dinner or to events, who she wanted to keep secret from the rest of her friends so they wouldn’t tease her about being so gay. As far as Anya knew, she was dating some girl named Eliza. Not completely untrue, since Clarke’s middle name was Elizabeth, but a lie nonetheless. Clarke had given her permission to tell Anya about “Eliza” as a way to vent if things were getting difficult for her. The first time Lexa decided to act on that permission, she only planned to tell Anya that she had been seeing a girl for a few months and she just wanted to let her know. But it turned into a shouting match over how idiotic it was to date a girl in the closet and Lexa never said anything again. A year into their relationship and Clarke was still in the closet.

“Lexa?” Clarke whispered.

“Clarke?”

“What are you thinking about?”

Lexa kissed the bridge of her nose. “It’s been exactly a year since our first date.”

This made Clarke pause. She looked away. “I know...”

“Hey.” Lexa put a finger on her chin to bring it up so their eyes met. “It’s been great. I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed every second of it, because there were moments that I doubted you and it was complete shit, especially with Anya on me about dating a girl in the closet. But there were so many moments that make this, us, you,” she kissed her nose again, “worth it. They outweigh the bad by billions. You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t give that part up even if we decided to stop this.”

“Lex...”

“Look how far you’ve come, Clarke. You’ve stopped looking over your shoulder when we go out. You hold my hand in public. We have secret night calls when the squad is over. You’ve made progress.”

Clarke fumbled for Lexa’s hand under the blankets and laced their fingers together. “I...I think I want to come out.”

“Oh.” Lexa wasn’t surprised, it was more of a proud reaction than anything. “Are you sure?”

Clarke nodded.

“I’m so proud of you Clarke.”

“It’s only because of you, Lexa. Without you I’d probably still be with Finn and in denial of my sexuality. The day I met you was the day I knew I couldn’t push down my feelings anymore. I wanted to be with you so bad. And I was so afraid.” Her whisper was barely audible at this point and Lexa had to strain to hear.

“It’s okay Clarke, I’ve got you.” Lexa gripped her hand tightly, squeezing it briefly.

Clarke’s eyes flitted to Lexa’s lips.

She had never kissed a girl before. Plenty of boys, most of whom didn’t even know her name when they woke up to find her gone in the morning. It’s been a year for crying out loud. A year since she last felt harsh lips on her, greedy hands all over her body. She wanted that with Lexa, but something was stopping her. She didn’t want to get so invested in this that if Lexa left her she wouldn’t be torn apart. A year together had proved to be challenging, but fun, only because of her. What if Lexa became tired of waiting for her to take the next step? What if coming out wasn’t enough? It would have to be for now, Clarke decided, because she wanted this girl more than any guy she’d ever met before. She wanted to make her feel loved and cared for, whether they were in public or in private. She wanted to stop driving across the city to the next town just so she could feel a safe distance from her friends.

She joined their lips together.

Lexa hummed into the kiss, squeezing Clarke’s hand again. It was a short kiss, experimental, a kiss they wanted to remember well. What came before or after didn’t matter, as long as this moment was one they remembered forever.

“Clarke...”

“God, why didn’t we do that sooner?” she muttered. She shifted so she was straddling Lexa. Lexa looked up at her with wide, loving eyes, watching as Clarke pulled the bottom of her t shirt over her head. Leca started to protest, saying they didn’t have to do any more tonight if she didn’t want to. But Clarke swooped down and kissed her with more passion than Lexa thought she could ever feel in a kiss.

“Relax, Lex, everyone’s in the next room anyways. I just want to feel your skin while we sleep, that’s all. If that’s okay?”

Lexa sat them up and kissed her. “That is completely fine,” she smiled. Then she pulled off her own shirt, tossing both hers and Clarke’s off the bed. They laid beside each other again and whispered quietly about their days to each other until they fell asleep at 4:30 AM.


	2. Tick Tock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad goes to the mall, Clarke and Lexa make a little progress in their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ends in a super weird spot so I'm uploading the next chapter today as well.
> 
> Not proofed by anyone else, feel free to point out any mistakes. Happy reading! - Red

“Up, up, up!”

Raven’s voice cut through Clarke’s sleep, rousing her as well as Lexa next to her. The girl bounced on the end of the bed to wake them further.

“Raven what the fuck?” she asked sleepily. Clarke rolled over and checked her phone. “It’s only nine-fifteen.”

“Um, yeah? And we have so much shopping to do before the party tomorrow! And you still need to find a date that isn’t Mr. Mop.” Raven pulled the blankets off of them. “Wow, you two sure are cozy in there.”

“What-? Oh.” Clarke remembered the state of their clothes, glad they kept their bras on. “I got warm,” she shrugged.

Lexa quickly snatched back the blankets and covered herself. “You know how cuddly Clarke can get when she sleeps. I was burning up.”

Something about the way Raven was silent as she looked at them screamed she didn’t believe them. “Friends can blur the lines sometimes, guys, if anything was going on you would tell us, though, right?”

“Clarke’s not gay, Raven,” Lexa smirked. “I wouldn’t try to woe a straight girl to bed with me.”

“You don’t have to be gay to experiment,” Raven sang, but she picked herself off the bed and started towards the door. “You have twenty minutes before we leave to find you a proper date, Clarke.”

Clarke sighed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “I’m not saying I regret staying up last night, but I regret staying up last night. I did not expect Raven to be up this early.”

“Me too,” Lexa yawned. “You took a guy from the school to your mom’s party last year right?”

“Yeah.” His name was Martin, a son of one of the doctors at the hospital who also happened to work with Clarke at the school she taught art at. He taught chemistry in the next classroom over. “I’m definitely not taking him again, he was so awkward at school for the next week. Pretty sure he was expecting to get laid. Everyone thinks I’m taking Bell this year, except for Octavia and Raven, and he’s just playing along. You can have the shower first if you want.”

“Nah, you go ahead, I’ll be quick. You still have to put on make up and everything. Be presentable so you can find a ‘proper date.’”

“Okay. Are you coming with us today?” Clarke climbed out of bed and located her shirt, pulling it on. “Or do you have to get back to Anya?”

Lexa propped her head up and watched Clarke gather what she needed for her shower. “I should probably get back by this afternoon, but I can join you until lunch if that’s okay?”

“Any time with you is more than okay, Lex. Besides, I need my best friend’s seal of approval on my date. Go ahead and pick whatever clothes you want from my closet or the drawers.” Clarke left the room before Lexa could reply.

Lexa fell back on the bed and let a long breath out. “Yeah. Best friend’s seal of approval.” She wanted Clarke’s approval before she offered herself up as a date, because, Lord knows, Lexa really wanted to be her date to the party. Finally show as many people as she could her love for this beautiful, wonderful, kind, woman. She crawled out from under the warm covers and looked over her clothing options for the day. She and Clarke didn’t have very different styles, and they were pretty much the same size. By the time Clarke came back from her shower, Lexa had decided on her jeans from yesterday and one of Clarke’s plaid flannels.

They didn’t say anything to each other as they passed, Clarke on her way in and Lexa on her way out, Clarke’s last words hung between them. Clarke knew she should say something about why she’s left off finding a date for so long, but it seemed so silly at this point to actually ask Lexa to play the cupcake game when Halloween was only a day away, she was sincerely out of male options, and the only person she wanted to go with was Lexa.

Eight minutes later, Clarke was getting into Bellamy’s car with Raven and Octavia, and Lexa was getting into her own car to follow behind them.

“Where are we going?” Bellamy asked as he turned on the car.

“Starbucks, I need caffeine, then the mall,” Raven told him.

“Alrighty.” He pulled out of the parking space and checked his mirror to see if Lexa was there. She gave him a thumbs up and he nodded back to her in the mirror.

Raven plugged her phone into the car’s sound system and suddenly it was filled with the sound of Fifth Harmony’s “Work From Home.” Bellamy cringed.

“Do you really have to make it that loud?”

“I didn’t hear you complaining Tuesday night.”

“Raven--”

“RAVEN EW YOU HAD SEX WITH MY BROTHER??”

Raven was silent. Bellamy sighed and shook his head.

Clarke was also shocked, but she was the first to collect herself. “I was wondering why you were so suspicious of, but okay with, me and Lexa this morning.”

“Wait what happened with you and Lexa?” Octavia cried.

“Nothing,” Clarke said quickly.

“No, everyone is confessing, right now!”

“There really is nothing more to tell about me and Lexa I swear, O.”

“Raven? Bellamy?”

“Bellamy and I were really drunk at your place on Tuesday while you were on your date with Lincoln. It’d kind of been a while since either of us had gotten laid...”

“What are you talking about? Bell’s been seeing Monroe again.”

“Is that true?” Raven turned to Bellamy.

The man shrunk in his seat. “I’m sorry?” he said weakly. “It’s nothing serious, yet.”

“Yet? Bellamy, I think that would be important enough to tell me.”

“We were drunk, and Monroe and I agreed that we can still other people. So technically I did nothing wrong.”

At this point they were already shouting to be heard over the music and Raven only turned it louder. “You tell Monroe we had sex and come back to me saying you did nothing wrong.”

Nobody said anything for the rest of the ride to Starbucks. Upon arriving, Lexa met them inside, cautiously sliding up to Clarke when she noticed their other friend’s faces. She didn’t get the chance to ask what happened because Clarke held up a hand to shush her.

“Just order if you want something. They have some stuff to work out so I’ll ride with you.”

Lexa nodded and they both got in line. A few people were in line between them and the others, so by the time they stepped aside to wait for their drinks, Raven was dragging Bellamy out by the elbow while he whined about trying not to spill his latte. When they got outside to double check their destination, Bellamy’s car was leaving the parking lot.

“Well, I guess it’s just us then,” Clarke sighed. “We’re heading to the mall.”

“Okay...Actually, Clarke, I..” Lexa stopped. This was probably the worst moment to ask, in the middle of a Starbucks parking lot where anyone could hear them. “Nevermind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it can wait. Come on, tell me what happened on the way over.”

They got into Lexa’s car and pulled into the street. Clarke quickly explained what happened between Raven and Bellamy, and Octavia’s response. She also mentioned that Raven and Octavia might be suspicious of them for a while because of how Raven found them earlier. Lexa couldn’t really think of anything to say other than she hoped they could work it out before the party the next day.

“I’m sure they’ll be fine, we’re still going shopping so that’s a good sign. They’re not so mad they don’t want to argue over outfits,” Clarke chuckled. 

Lexa turned right at the next light. “That’s good, yeah.” She made a left into a small parking lot and turned off the car.

“What are you doing?”

“I need to ask you something.” She stared at her steering wheel.

Clarke clutched her coffee and looked at her nervously. “Okay.”

“I..I wanted to clear it with you before I did it.”

Clarke waited, but Lexa didn’t say anything else. “Do what?” she prompted.

“Cupcake,” she squeaked, peeking a glance at Clarke.

Her face fell. She wasn’t expecting this. Yes, she was expecting it since she knew she wasn’t going to accept any of the offers from men, but not until Lexa had gone home. It was more her style to wait until they weren’t face to face to ask about things like this. Clarke thought she had more time to think of an answer. “Oh.”

“I just thought I’d ask, I know you’re--”

“Lex, I’m glad you asked.” Clarke took the other woman’s hand from where it rested on her lap. “I am. I didn’t know how to ask you to...this game is so stupid. I’m almost twenty-eight years old. I know how to turn down men, I’ve certainly had enough practice over the years now.”

Lexa’s heart was racing and she could feel her face burning up. “I’m sorry, you already said you were thinking about going alone, that’s a good plan.” She tried to take her hand back to start the car, but Clarke held on.

“I mean, officially, I was thinking of going alone. Unofficially, I was hoping you would play the game.”

“But I’d be the only girl to play, wouldn’t that look weird?”

“Oh trust me, you’re not the only girl to play. Girls ask me every year, I just don’t make it public.”

“So...?”

“So,” Clarke brought Lexa’s knuckles to her mouth for a kiss. “If you want to offer yourself to me via cupcake, you’re good to go.” She brushed her lips over the knuckles, enjoying the shiver she saw run through Lexa.

“But we can’t actually go together.” Being able to get Clarke a cupcake was a win by itself, but she couldn’t stop the words that tumbled out of her mouth.

“No...but I’m all yours after the party. Everyone has to work on Monday so we’re not staying over at my mom’s this year. Originally, O and Raven were going to stay at my place anyway, but O is staying with Lincoln and Raven is definitely not going to be able to open up shop at 10:30 if she has to get there from across town.”

“That’s...”

“You’re welcome to stay at mine, if you want.”

“I would like that.” A small smile slipped onto Lexa’s face.

“Good,” Clarke grinned. “Because I was really hoping we could sleep with all of our clothes off this time.”

“Hm, sounds nice.” Lexa brought her forehead to Clarke’s and nuzzled their noses together. “And you know I’m not expecting anything other than sleeping. Don’t feel pressured or anything.”

Clarke kissed her lips. “I really appreciate you saying that.” She kissed her again. “And I really appreciate these.”

“Yours aren’t so bad either you know.” This time, Lexa kissed Clarke. “I’m really glad this is a thing we’re doing now. I can’t count how many times I imagined kissing you, and let me tell you, this is nothing like I imagined.”

Clarke laced their fingers together. “Push your seat back.”

“Um, okay.”

Lexa did what she was told and Clarke carefully secured their drinks in their holders, then climbed over the console to straddle Lexa’s lap. It was a small space and her skinny jeans were constricting, but she was determined.

“It’s the middle of the day, Clarke,” Lexa chuckled. “In the middle of a parking lot.”

“Just shut up and kiss me,” Clarke laughed against her lips.

They were greedy, enjoying the new level of closeness. Lexa was happy to finally feel the soft and firm of Clarke’s lips, the warm of her tongue that sought entrance almost immediately. Clarke was grinding lightly over her thighs and stomach, teasing but not so as to be indecent for their location, hands cupping her face gently. Her thumbs brushed Lexa’s cheekbones as if they weren’t real and she needed reassurance that the woman she was kissing was actually there. Lexa’s hands wandered to rest on Clarke’s hips, massaging them in rhythm with her movements. It wasn’t long before they were both gasping for breath, realizing that this is what they desperately wanted, needed, and this was not the time nor place if they were to do it properly.

They pulled away from each other, both of their cheeks were flushed, eyes locked.

“I guess we should probably head over before they wonder where we are,” Clarke said.

Lexa buried her face in Clarke’s neck and pulled her body close. “Or, we could, like...not...”

“Come on, Lex, then they’ll really think we’re up to something.”

“One look at your hair and lipstick would give it away almost immediately.”

Clarke scrambled into the passenger seat and pawed through her bag for her lipstick, opening the car’s sun visor to check the mirror. “Shit. Thanks for the warning.”

“Yeah no problem.” Lexa waited for Clarke to finish reapplying and adjusting her hair to turn on the car. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Clarke sighed.

It sounded like she wanted to say more, but Lexa didn’t pry. The Halloween party was a huge source of stress for Clarke. The least Lexa could do was try to let Clarke do her own thing until the party was finally over and she didn’t have to keep up appearances.

They circled the mall’s garage three times before finding a spot, then Clarke texted Raven to ask her where to meet them. She got a reply back that they were at Hot Topic on the fourth floor.

“What are they doing at Hot Topic?”

Clarke shook her head. “I have no idea.”

“And who leaves Halloween shopping for Halloween? Don’t people usually have their costumes planned out weeks in advance?”

“Octavia wants to get Bellamy into something other than jeans and a blue polo for once. Every year he’s always claiming to be some character from some Australian soap opera that none of us have seen. I think I tried watching an episode once but it really wasn’t all that interesting.”

“Well then I can’t wait to see what they throw him into.”

They got out of the car and took the escalators up to the fourth floor, finding the rest of the group where they said they would be. Raven and Octavia were arguing over two types of face paint while Bellamy sat on a bench in the middle of the store watching them.

“How’s it going?” Clarke asked Bellamy, leaning down to rest her chin on his shoulder. “Any progress?”

“I think they’re trying to figure out if I can pull off Marilyn Manson. Or Edward Scissorhands, I’m not quite sure which.” He ran his hand through his hair. “It’s honestly sort of amusing watching them.”

“I’m guessing you’re just going to wear the same thing again this year anyway.”

“Exactly.”

Lexa gave him an incredulous look. “Don’t you think you owe them?”

Bellamy shrugged Clarke off his shoulder and turned to look at her accusingly. “You told her?”

“Well, yeah,” Clarke said. “She’s practically part of the squad.”

“Oh please--”

“Which do you think will look better,” Octavia interrupted them. “Shadow Black or Jaguar Black?”

“Neither black, I’m not wearing a different costume. Aidan Fosters is a perfectly good costume, I look exactly like him.”

“And nobody knows who that is!”

“It doesn’t matter if anyone knows who it is. You’d think after wearing the same costume every year people would remember who I told them it was, too.”

“Kind of rude, you’re right,” Raven conceded. “But, we still need to get you into a more recognizable costume. The entire extended squad is in agreement, so we don’t want to hear another word from you about it.”

Bellamy sighed. “Since I really don’t have a choice in the matter.”

“Great, now that we’re  _ finally _ in agreement, which black?” Octavia insisted. “There was also Sinister Black.”

“Who is he dressing as?” Clarke asked.

Now Raven sighed. “Well, originally we were going to go with Marilyn Manson, but Monroe is going as Marilyn Monroe miraculously for the very first time in her life, so we figured we’d give her the Marilyn this year--”

“--Edward Scissorhands is way too much work for the time we have--”

“--So Sweeny Todd is the middle ground with the hair and the make up. Octavia already looked through his closet for the clothes.”

“We didn’t have to buy any, he pretty much had it all. And whatever he didn’t have, Jasper had, so it worked out.

Lexa looked impressed. “Nice.”

“Depends on how you look at it,” Bellamy muttered.

“I seem to recall my mother threatening to rescind all future invites to parties if you didn’t actually dress up this year,” said Clarke.

“Oh no, where would I get my free booze that I don’t drink,” Bellamy rolled his eyes.

“Bellamy, there is literally a line of girls that would love to be your date to the party for the free booze.”

“Not interested, I’m with Monroe.”

“Mr. It’s Not Serious Yet.”

“Fair point.”

Octavia thrust the pack of Shadow Black in Bellamy’s face. “I hope you’re okay with this one because we’re getting it.”

“I still think Jaguar Black would be better,” said Raven. “But whatever, if it gets us out of this stupid store.”

The two of them went up to the counter to pay for their items. Lexa and Clarke dragged Bellamy out of the store with them.

“Why did you think it was a good idea to sleep with Raven?” Clarke asked him.

“Didn’t you hear Raven? We were both super drunk.”

“On a Tuesday.”

“I’m no ILoveMakonnen, but I do go up, on a Tuesday.”

“You’re such a child. And that song’s about drugs, I hope you know that.”

“I am very well aware.”

Lexa hit his arm. “Her question still stands. Why did you do it?”

“Look, I know it wasn’t a good idea. We definitely did not feel good about it when she almost fell out of my window trying to sneak out when Octavia got home from her date.”

“You made her climb out of the window?” Clarke cried, a little too loudly. The people walking around them glanced at her. “Sorry. But you know she’s not as nimble as she used to be.”

“And she is not some fragile baby we have to handle carefully! Raven knew full well what she was getting into--”

“Um well technically she didn’t, if you were both intoxicated,” Lexa chimed in.

“Thank you,” Clarke said pointedly. “Intoxicated consent is not legal consent.” She rubbed her temples. “They’re done paying. This conversation is not over Blake.”

“Duly noted.”

The two women approached them holding a small bag each. They all started towards the food court, Octavia and Raven jabbering about how they were going to schedule the next day so they could get themselves and Bellamy ready for the party by four-thirty. The party didn’t actually start until seven, but they always helped Abby set up a few hours before. As soon as they entered the food court, though, they changed gears.

“Okay, we have the entire afternoon to find Clarke a date. Then, after dinner, we have to find Clarke and said date matching costumes,” Octavia told them.

“What? No. Absolutely not. I am not matching this supposed date you want me to find.”

“Uh, not supposed. Very real. You are finding a date, Clarke,” said Raven.

“Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I haven’t found a date yet because I want to go alone?”

“Duh? Like that’s going to stop us. We made a promise to your mother that we are going to keep.”

“What did she offer you in return?” Clarke sighed.

“A month’s worth of back massages.”

“To get Lincoln a weight set for our apartment.”

Bellamy held out a hand to stop the conversation. “Wait, why would he need a weight set for our apartment?”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, he’s moving in with us,” Octavia replied with a sheepish look. A look that quickly vanished and was replaced with a sickly sweet smile. “Love you, bro!”

“I don’t quite regret sleeping with your best friend anymore,” he grumbled.

Suddenly “Tik Tok” started blaring from Clarke’s pocket at full volume. “Sorry, sorry, that’s my mom calling me. I’ll be right back.” She stepped away and answered the call. 

Lexa pulled out her phone and checked the time. She had two messages from Anya. Uh oh. Anya never double texted. Her face screwed up in concern as she unlocked the device and read the messages. The first one asked where she was, and the second was “food” in all caps.

“Um, I should go, Anya is texting me to come take her to the grocery store since I didn’t go last night,” Lexa said. “I’ll see you all tomorrow night, yeah?”

“Yeah, you better have a good costume since you won’t tell us what it is.”

She stared at them with a blank face. “Sure. It’s a great costume. I have a costume.”

“I am  _ so _ disappointed in you,” Bellamy groaned. “You’re the one who was trying to guilt me into this and you don’t even have a costume. _ You _ don’t have a costume, so  _ I _ don’t have to be Edward Scissorhands.”

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’ll have a costume tomorrow night and it’ll look great. Bellamy, I need to borrow your key to Clarke’s apartment, I forgot something at her place.”

They all looked at her skeptically. Bellamy fished around in his pocket for the key and held it out to her grudgingly. Lexa quickly snatched it, then turned on her heel.

“See you tomorrow night,” she called over her shoulder.

“Is Lexa leaving?” Clarke asked, phone call finished. “Sorry, my mom was asking me if we were getting Bellamy something else to wear.”

Raven nodded. “Yeah, I guess Anya’s hungry since Lex stayed over for movie night and never actually went grocery shopping. I wonder if she’s a little thirsty too...”

“Gross,” said the rest of the squad.


	3. I've Got This Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad finishes up at the mall and then it's Halloween! Things are heating up between Clarke and her mother over her her date for the party or lack there of, Lexa is just trying to keep up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second upload of the night, it's probably going to be awhile until the next one. My fall quarter of school finished a few weeks ago and this is the product of the time off. It feels good to be writing this couple again after trying to get into the heads of my own characters! I read all of your comments and worked to incorporate them into the story, and I think I did a pretty good job for now. If it's not in this update it'll most likely be in the next one or the one after that.
> 
> Not proofed by anyone else, feel free to point out any mistakes.
> 
> As always, happy reading!  
> -Red

Clarke knew she should indulge her friends out of necessity to please her mom, but she still felt it was a fruitless mission. She didn’t want a date and she wasn’t going to take finding one seriously. Two floors of the mall with no luck. Most of the stores didn’t have age appropriate guys and some didn’t have any guys at all. There was one guy that Clarke thought could work, but Raven sabotaged it because she thought he was gay.

“My gaydar is ringing all the alarms right now,” she insisted. “He works at Lush, his nails are manicured, and he dresses well. And I saw him eye fucking one of the customers as he was paying. Gay.”

“He could very well play for both teams,” suggested Clarke.

“Who even says that anymore?”

“I’m just saying, don’t try to assume someone’s identity.”

“Fine. But his name was Michael, he was bound to be a let down.”

“You dated someone named Michael once.”

“Yeah, and he was a total jerk.” Raven sighed. “Do we want to go to the next floor?”

“Not really.”

“Come on, Clarke,” said Octavia. “Why are you being so difficult?”

“Because I don’t want to bring a date to my mom’s party! We’re wasting our time trying to do something I don’t want to do. I know you guys probably made a promise to my mom that you would find me a date, but honestly I could care less about what she thinks right now. I’m going alone.” 

Bellamy squinted at her. “How is this any different than my costume situation?”

“This is  _ so _ different than your costume situation. This is about me accepting my lonely fate and not putting on a show for my mom.”

“I still don’t see the difference.”

“Bell, stay out of this,” Octavia warned him. “If she wants to go alone then we should let her. Whoever she brings at this point is probably going to get ignored in the corner anyways. Let’s just go.”

Clarke thanked Octavia silently. There was an uncomfortable silence in the group as they went down to the car. Things would be so much easier with them once she came out and she could tell them she was dating Lexa. Not with her mom, though, one of the main reasons she hadn’t come out yet was because of what her mom would think of her. Abby wasn’t exactly homophobic, but she was a stickler for people being what she wanted them to be in her mind. For Clarke, this meant a failed artist who wasted her potential becoming a high school art teacher when she could have become a top rate doctor working beside her mother. In Abby’s eyes, Clarke should have been married right now, or at least engaged, to a rich son of one of the doctors from the hospital with a plan for two children. If Clarke told her mom she wanted to spend the rest of her life with a woman, Abby might just cut her off completely.

Bellamy dropped her off at her apartment. Once inside, Clarke went to her room and flopped on her bed, groaning. She couldn’t wait for tomorrow. The fight with her mom wouldn’t be over, it wouldn’t be until she was married to a man with a medical degree. Or she got a medical degree. But at least the need for a date would be put on hold again until New Year’s Eve. Thanksgiving and Christmas were considered family holidays, and whoever she was dating was to “spend the holidays with their own family” until it was serious.

And her friends. She couldn’t hold them off for much longer either. They  _ must _ be suspicious, Clarke wasn’t exactly one to stay alone for a few months, much less a year. She groaned into the bed again. If she wasn’t so scared of her emotions she wouldn’t be in this mess.

Clarke dragged herself up from the bed and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. After finishing an entire glass, she noticed something on the table. It was a small, plain, square box. She opened it to find a cupcake with the name  _ Eliza _ written in cursive in red gel on white frosting. Clarke couldn’t help the small smile that formed on her face and she pulled out her phone and dialed Lexa’s number.

“Hey,” Clarke said when Lexa answered. “I got your gift.”

“Hey yourself. Hold on, I gotta leave the room.” There was muffled conversation on the other end. “Okay, sorry, Anya’s trying to grill me about who’s going to be at the party tomorrow. Did you like your present? It’s not chocolate, just vanilla.”

“Yeah, it looks great, thanks. Nice touch with the name. How did you get into my apartment?”

“I borrowed Bellamy’s spare key while you were on the phone with your mom, and Anya was with me when I went to pick it up.”

“How’d you ditch her?”

“I might have gone for a quick two hour run.”

“You ran all the way to my apartment and back? Carrying a cupcake.”

“No, I dropped her off at the house and told her I forgot something at your place and was going to drop the cupcake off while I was at it. The squad also thinks I forgot something at your place so, if anybody asks, everything checks out.”

“You sound like you’ve committed a crime,” Clarke laughed.

“In the 1940s, loving you would have been one.”

Her words hung in the static of the phone line. Clarke bit her lip and tried not to smile wider. Whether this was Lexa’s official confession of love or not, Clarke wasn’t going to let her off easy.

“I can hear you fidgeting over there. Was that not appropriate?”

“Do you love me?” Clarke asked.

Lexa paused. “Clarke, I--I think I do. But if that’s not what you want--”

“Lex, babe, you’re fine.”

“God, I’m so stupid. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I wanted to wait until everything was perfect, until you told your friends. Maybe not until you told your mom, because we all know that will take a little bit, but at least until you had come out to some people.” Lexa sighed. “Just forget I said anything.”

“No, it’s okay, really...” Clarke took a deep breath. Lexa knew her better than Raven and Octavia, two of her closest friends, at this point. No more running away from her feelings...maybe for just a little while longer though. “I really care about you too.”

“Are you sure?” Lexa didn’t sound like she was convinced Clarke wasn’t shaken. “You don’t have to say that just because I--”

“Lex, I mean it. My feelings for you are so real it hurts. I can’t sleep at night because I can’t tell anyone how much I care for you. Sometimes I wake up crying nights after you stay over because I wish you were still in bed next to me. I share everything with you and I’m tired of sneaking around. I’m tired of hearing you say it’s okay when I can tell you’re tired of it too. There are so many feelings inside of me and--You’re so good to me Lexa.” Her voice cracked and she felt tears escape no matter how hard she tried to stop them. Soon she was fully sobbing with no control, and Lexa was panicking on the other end of the line.

“Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“I’m okay, everything’s fine...I’m just so tired, Lexa. We’ve been together a year and I’ve been holding us back.”

“What? No, this is us, this is our pace. There is nothing holding us back, only pushing us forward. We’re in this together.”

Clarke tried to collect herself. She made her voice as even as she could, but it was still shaky when she said, “When should I do it?”

“Tell them? That’s not for me to decide.”

“I can’t do it alone, Lexa, I want you there with me.”

“Then I’ll be there with you. I promise. Do you need me to come over?”

“No, no, I’ll be okay in a second.” Clarke laughed lightly. “I’m so sorry, I’m such a mess. My mom called earlier and I just want this all to be over.”

“Okay, well, let me know if you change your mind and I’ll be there.” 

This time Clarke’s laugh was more full. “Then people would really start to talk. What would my father think?”

“I’m sure he’d be proud of you,” Lexa told her. She’d never met Clarke’s father, who passed away Clarke’s sophomore year of high school, but from she’d heard about him she truly believed he would be.

“I hope so.”

She was quiet on the other end for so long, Lexa had to ask, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Clarke said quickly. “I’m just thinking about how if he was still alive maybe my mom wouldn’t be so uptight about me finding the perfect guy to settle down with, and I would be able to bring you to dinner. He was always more relaxed about this sort of thing. Didn’t even mind that I wanted to got to school for art and not medicine. Things could have been so different.”

Now Lexa was the one who didn’t say anything. Her own mother, Indra, was generally accepting about her identity, as well as Anya’s, and they never met her ex-husband, who left before Indra adopted them.

“Anyways,” Clarke continued. “What’s happened, happened, and I’ve still got my mom for now. I’ll leave you to your evening, thanks again for the cupcake.”

“Of course. Did I win?”

“Announcing it on Twitter right now.”

“I thought...?”

“I’m only joking, I’m just writing that I’ll be going alone. So yes, you did win. No contest.”

“Awesome.” Lexa grinned. She won the cupcake contest and she would get to sleep in the same bed as Clarke for the second night in three days. “So I’ll see you at the party tomorrow?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. Remember, if you need me, I’m there.”

“Thanks Lex, bye.”

“Bye.”

 

/////

 

The house was more than ready. Abby was making a big fuss about how it wasn’t ready, but it was. She ordered Clarke and her friends around in an attempt to get them to make it better, and what exactly she didn’t like about how things were placed she wouldn’t tell them. As soon as Lincoln put up streamers, she asked him to take them down. Octavia and Raven just finished cleaning up the confetti from the food table, and she asked them to put it back. She made Jasper and Monty go to the store for different food three times, which Bellamy had to make each time. Finally, Clarke threw her hands into the air, dropped what she was doing, and asked her mom why she cared so much about how the house looked, they’d had worse decorations in the past.

“I don’t see why you can’t just settle down with a nice guy,” Abby told her. “I don’t even care if he has a medical degree anymore, just find someone to settle down with that you can tolerate.”

That, of course, was the furthest from what Clarke wanted and she wasn’t about to tell her mother that. Everyone in the house stopped what they were doing and watched the two women nervously.

“Mom, I’ve got a place to live, a job, and enough food to eat, what more do you want? Obviously I’m doing fine on my own.”

“Grandchildren, Clarke!”

Clarke winced. Her mother often spoke angrily when she was upset, but never raised her voice, especially in front of others.

“Your father would have wanted you to have children.”

“That’s not fair,” she whispered.

“I invited Harper, she always seemed to have some sense in her. I know you haven’t seen each other in a while and she’s also still single, but she understands what’s good for you. She’ll be here any minute.”

“You  _ know _ what she did to me.”

“Yes, and it’s about time you got over it. Now go change into your costume.” Abby didn’t wait to see if Clarke was going to do what she asked, she went out into the backyard to critique Bellamy’s last minute grilling.

Clarke turned to Raven and Octavia, who were huddled into the couch behind her. While Clarke wasn’t afraid of her mother’s wrath, most of her friends were, and she didn’t blame them. It’s just that years of it allowed Clarke to build up walls around herself and lower her expectations of what would set her mother off. Though her mother seemed to be on an even shorter fuse these days. “Sorry you had to see that,” she said.

“No need to apologize, just tell us how you survive that every time she does it.” Raven tried to climb over the back of the couch but Octavia grabbed her.

“Rae, you’ve got to stop climbing over things.”

“Years of practice,” Clarke sighed. “I’m going to go get changed.”

Raven and Octavia exchanged looks as Clarke trudged up the stairs to her childhood bedroom. Her shoulders sagged and the spring in her step from pre-party excitement was gone. For the first time since they’d known her, she looked defeated by a conversation with her mother.

“Do you think she’ll be okay?” Octavia asked Raven.

“I think Abby has finally gone too far,” Raven replied.

 

/////

 

Upstairs, Clarke closed her bedroom door and slid down to the floor against it. She pressed her the heels of her palms into her eyes to stop the tears that flowed freely against her will. A loud sob wracked through her and she froze, scared someone outside might have heard. Hands trembling, she fished her phone out of the pocket of her jeans. It took her three tries to type in the passcode, then a few more to tap the right app to open Messages. The touch screen was quickly becoming almost unusable as her tears dripped onto the screen.

“Are you on your way?”

“Yeah, Anya’s driving, so we should be there soon.”

“I need you.”

“We’re rounding the corner onto your street, Clarke. Hang in there.”

The phone fell to the floor beside her. She brought her knees up to her chin and tried to keep the noises to a minimum, but it was no use. The more she tried, the harder it was to stop.

“On my way in. Where are you?” No response from Clarke, not even the little typing bubble. Lexa vaulted herself out of the car as soon as Anya skidded up to the curb outside Abby’s house, ignoring Anya’s questioning cry, up to the front door. It was open, and she went inside and found Clarke’s best friends decorating the living room.

“Where’s Clarke?” she demanded, barely slowing.

“She went upstairs to change,” Octavia replied. “Does--”

Without skipping a step, Lexa rushed up the stairs and started checking doors. The first door was a bathroom, which was empty, the second was an office. “Clarke?” she called. The third door down the hall opened and she ran to it. Clarke pulled her in and shut the door again immediately after she was inside. She hugged the brunette tight, clinging to the back of her t shirt as she tried to breathe through the flood of anger and sadness breaking down every wall she ever built to protect herself from her mother.

“Lexa, she’s crazy,” Clarke cried. “My mom is crazy.”

Lexa held Clarke close and stroked the back of her head lightly. “It’s okay, Clarke, it’s going to be okay. I’m here for you.” She kissed the top of her head. They stood that way for a minute, Lexa running a gentle hand over Clarke’s blonde hair until her shaking lowered in frequency. She held her for a moment longer, then cupped her face and kissed her forehead. Clarke’s fingers trailed up and down Lexa’s face, thumb pressing into her bottom lip and blue eyes wildly searching for green ones. Lexa didn’t keep her searching for long, her eyes finding intense need and sorrow in Clarke’s.

There was a knock on the door. “Clarke? Lexa? Are you in there?” It was Raven. “Is everything okay?”

Clarke unwound herself from Lexa and took a shuddery breath in before answering. “Yeah.” She wiped her face on the sleeve of her sweater. Lexa stepped away so Clarke could open the door for their friend. “Everything’s okay.”

Raven didn’t look convinced. “Octavia is offering to talk to your mom for you,” she said carefully. “But we need to know what’s going on. Or at least part of it.”

Clarke glanced at Lexa. “She knows exactly what happened with Harper and she invited her anyways. I just--” She paused and sniffed, willing the tears to stay in. “I never told her the full details about Finn and yet she was ready to cut him out of our lives completely.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Lexa cut in. “That girl caused just as much damage as he did.”

“Exactly,” Raven nodded. “Which is why someone needs to talk to Abby and tell her to uninvite her before she gets here. Octavia said she’d do it, but it’s up to you Clarke. I’m also willing to give up whatever chance I have at a relationship with your mother to talk some sense into her.”

It was definitely a nice thought, to have one of her friends talk to her mother for her, especially Raven. That relationship would never happen as long as Clarke could do anything about it. Talking to Abby tonight, though, would cause a serious rift between her and Clarke they might never come back from. She had to play this strategically. “I appreciate the offer, I really do, but anything you or I say tonight will just make it worse. It’ll be fine. I’ll just stay away from her and Harper.”

“Through the entire party?”

“There will be a lot of people, right? Shouldn’t be too hard.”

Lexa opened her mouth to say something, but Raven gave her a hard look. “Okay. Whatever you want, Clarke. We support you in whatever you want to do.”

She sniffed and nodded, smiling slightly. “Thanks, guys. Thank you so much.”

Raven reached out and rubbed Clarke’s arm comfortingly. “See you downstairs then.” She started down the hall. “Nice costume by the way, Lexa,” she called back over her shoulder.

“Thanks,” Lexa mumbled.

Clarke turned to see that she hadn’t in fact clutched Lexa’s t shirt earlier, but Lexa’s cape to her Wonder Woman outfit. “ _ Very _ nice costume, Lex.”

She looked down and fiddled with the rope on her belt. “I was hoping you’d like it. I was a little hesitant about the tights, they’re not really my thing.”

It only took a moment for the bedroom door to be shut again. Clarke shoved Lexa down on the bed playfully and crawled up over her until her face was over the brunette’s. “Well I think you look  _ wonder _ ful,” she whispered, kissing Lexa’s lips lightly. “My own personal super hero, coming to my rescue.”

Lexa lifted her head and caught Clarke’s lips again in a firmer kiss. “I can’t wait to see yours,” she whispered back with a smile.

Clarke hummed. “You stay right here on the bed, okay?”

Lexa nodded under her and Clarke scooted back off the bed. Lexa sat up and adjusted so she was leaning on the pillows against the headboard. “I’m not going anywhere until you say so.”

The blonde began to slowly pulled her sweater and shirt over her head, not breaking eye contact with the brunette. Lexa felt her breath catch, and her cheeks grew hot. Clarke moved on to unbutton her jeans and proceeded to shimmy them down her legs to the floor. She swayed her hips as she walked over to her closet and pulled out the shirt of her costume. She slid it over her head and adjusted it over her torso, smoothing it over the curve over her hips and swell of her chest. Then she reached for tights of her costume. She watched Lexa’s chest heave as she rolled them up her shins, up her thighs, and over the swell of her ass. There was no mistaking the blush in the brunette’s cheeks, her eyes watching carefully as Clarke pulled the skirt up until it fit snugly at her waist. After reaching into the closet one last time, she fastened a cape over her shoulders. She walked back over to the edge of the bed where Lexa crawled to meet her and took her into her arms.

“Now I have  _ my _ own personal superhero,” Lexa whispered. She kissed Clarke full on the lips. “Supergirl.”

Clarke tapped Lexa’s nose and spun away. “Your cape is wrinkled.” She slipped on a pair of red Converse and left the room.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Lexa chuckled. Clarke wasn’t gone for long, she returned holding a makeup bag and a wet towel. She left the door to the room open, so Lexa couldn’t slide her arms around Clarke’s stomach as she wiped her face and hide any evidence of her break down. Instead, she settled for resting her head on Clarke’s shoulder and watching her in the mirror.

“You’re really beautiful, you know that?” she told Clarke. “Like, even with the bloodshot eyes from crying.”

“I take back everything I said about you being wonderful,” Clarke said as she ran the mascara brush through.

Lexa chuckled and removed her head from Clarke’s shoulder. “What do you want to do about your friends? I didn’t exactly creep through your house to come up here when you didn’t text back.”

“I have no idea.” Clarke’s tone was no longer playful. “One thing at a time. They know that. Right now, Harper is the first thing on all of our minds.”

“Okay. Sounds good.” She nodded to Clarke in the mirror. “I’ll meet you downstairs before they change their priorities.”

“Okay,” Clarke said quietly.

Lexa watched Clarke for second longer, then went downstairs. The others were in a last minute bustle to get decorations up, Abby nowhere to be seen. She approached Raven and asked her if there was anything she could do.

“No, I think we’ve got it all,” the other woman replied. “Thanks though. Is Clarke really doing okay?”

“For now, at least.”

Raven looked at her curiously. “She didn’t want to talk to anybody but you. Why is that?”

_ Trust the freaking rocket scientist to figure it out. _ “I guess since I’ve been with her before when her mom ripped into her that’s just where her brain went. It’s not rocket science.”

“That would make sense, except that we’ve also been around for that.” Anya entered the room, all legs in her red Roulette dress, and suddenly Raven seemed completely distracted by her. “We’ll talk about this later. There is a pretty woman in need of wooing.” She walked off in the direction of the taller woman.

“Well, Anya, I sure hope you get lucky tonight,” Lexa muttered.

Octavia came up behind her and chuckled, causing Lexa to jump slightly. “Someone’s getting lucky tonight,” she joked, referring to Raven.

“They would be a good match, I think,” Lexa shrugged. “Better than Clarke’s mom anyway.”

“Amen to that.”

People started to trickle into the house over the next hour or so. Soon, it was buzzing with music and the chatter of thirty people. Clarke came down shortly after seven to greet guests that had already arrived and those just coming through the door. By seven-thirty the party was in full swing. She and Lexa stayed in separate rooms for the most part, though often passing each other on their way to the kitchen for another drink. Bellamy made sure to grab a few every time he visited the kitchen so he wouldn’t have to go as much and could stay by Clarke’s side in case her mother or Harper decided to confront her in front of everybody. Clarke didn’t think either of them would be stupid enough to do that, but still she kept an eye out because in her experience especially, a lot could change in seven years.

Two straight hours went by of Clarke feeling so tense she thought she was going to explode and she couldn’t even have Lexa with her. Instead she had to follow Bellamy from room to room as he teased and flirted with Monroe all evening long. Every time she and Lexa passed each other, she could see the worry in Lexa’s eyes and hoped Lexa could see the reassurance and want in hers. Clarke had a nice rotation through the rooms of the house, trying to please her mother in talking to all of the important guests at least once, even if they were flirtatious doctors from the hospital who didn’t know how to keep their hands to themselves. One of them grabbed her by the cape a few times and she politely twisted away each time. He was the top surgeon at the hospital, in the running with her mother for chief of surgery as the current chief was setting up the his successor in the wake of his retirement. If Clarke misbehaved, it could cost her mother the job. The fourth time, she was able to move out of reach at the last moment and practically ran to the next room.

“Oof.” She ran into someone. Lexa.

“Oh hey,” the brunette grinned. “How are you doing?”

“Got a few drinks in me, I’m doing better.” Clarke couldn’t help but smile a little too.

“Yeah, me too.”

They stood awkwardly. Usually, they would be alone or there would be other people to buffer these awkward silences where they wanted to say more than they could say around their friends. But right now,  _ right now _ , they were in a room where they could say  _ whatever they wanted _ and there was an extremely low chance anyone would hear them. Hell, they could probably be making out and everyone would just chalk it up to the alcohol.

“Lexie!” A short brunette stepped between them and threw her arms around Lexa, planting a big wet kiss on her cheek.

Lexa staggered under the sudden weight and her grin faltered. “Wow, um, hello to you too.”

“Hmmm I missed you so much!” This woman was clearly very drunk, barely dressed in what Clarke thought might be an angel costume.

“You were only gone for like three seconds to get another drink,” Lexa said. “Oh, Clarke, this is, uh, Sara? I think.”

“You got it, babe!” Sara winked. “Clarke, is it? Nice to meet you!” She held her hand out for Clarke to shake, which she did unwillingly. “Lexie and I go waaaaay back, to our first year of college, we were roommates for a month in the summer when I needed a sublet before the actual year started. Might have been bedmates a couple of times even.” She tightened her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and Clarke clenched her fists.

“It was just a short fling,” Lexa reassured Clarke.

“Right.”

“Oh honey, you had several ‘short flings’ that summer, I’m actually surprised you remembered me at all. You probably slept with half of the girls in the freshman class before Orientation Week.”

“It was a small trade school, that wouldn’t be too difficult for even an unskilled person. Especially when you narrow the population to the gay ones. Most lesbians know each other somehow.” Lexa seemed to realize that every word coming out of her mouth was digging her into a deeper hole with Clarke and she slowed. “It was a small school,” she finished weakly.

“I see.”

Sara continued to chatter about Lexa’s bedroom endeavors while Clarke quickly located Bellamy in the crowd and sped over to him without another word to Lexa. From across the room, she could see Lexa start to shift her stance every so often so she was moving through the room back towards Clarke. Before she could get too far, Clarke tugged Bellamy’s arm and pulled him to another room.

 

/////

 

Harper didn’t show. Abby’s party invitations read that it would officially be on from seven to ten and many people stayed for that long. Others knew the times were just guidelines for those who didn’t really want to be there in the first place but felt obligated to show up and stayed longer. After witnessing Raven’s crazy DJ games one too many years in a row, the house started to empty around ten, leaving only Clarke, Lexa, Anya, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Monty, Miller, and Abby to clean up after the crowd. Clarke had insisted despite Bellamy’s many drunken protests that he go home with Monroe instead of trying to stand around for another hour or two talking with the group. Their “discussion” ended with Monroe carrying Bellamy out to her car when he stood up from the couch to prove he was fine and proceeded to fall flat on his face.

“Wow, worse than me when I first got out of surgery,” Raven clutched her stomach, doubled over laughing.

“Actually, I can vouch for the fact that you were just as bad,” said Octavia. Clarke and Abby hummed in agreement with her words.

“Whatever,” Raven waved her hand at them. “Let’s start clean up so I can go pass out on my couch before work in the morning.”

“No you’re passing out on my couch until Octavia and Lincoln can take you home.” Abby guided Raven to the couch and gently but forcefully pushed her to lay down on it.

“I refuse to go down without a goodnight kiss,” Raven murmured, already drifting off.

Octavia groaned. “Please ignore that.”

“I can take her home if you want.” Anya walked in the room. “If you don’t mind waiting until I get back to go home, Lex?”

“Um, An, can we talk in the other room for a second?” Lexa forced her hands not to wring themselves nervously.

“Okay...?” They left the others. “What is it Lexa?”

“I’m staying with Eliza tonight.”

“So do you need a ride over there?”

“Not exactly. Clarke can take me.”

“Oh the squad knows now? Then why are we...Jesus Christ Lex, it’s Clarke isn’t it? You’re fucking Clarke.”

“Shh, Anya, we’re not fucking. We’re just together.”

“I don’t believe you haven’t had sex in six months.”

“Try a year.”

“Shit Lexa. No wonder you’ve been so grumpy lately.”

“That literally has nothing to do with it. You and I live together, that’s reason enough to be grumpy.”

Anya rubbed her temples and blew air out of her mouth. “Fine.”

“Anyways, I just wanted to tell you before Clarke offered me a ride and then I didn’t come home but told you I was at Eliza’s, since the squad doesn’t even know I’m dating anyone. You know not to say anything about this, right? She’s still very in the closet and I would appreciate it if you could help  keep it that way.”

“Fair enough.” They went back.

Clarke immediately noticed their return and interrupted whatever Octavia story was telling about Lincoln and Jasper’s arm wrestling contest. “Lexa, I can give you a ride if you want.”

“That would be great, yeah. Thanks,” she replied.

Anya picked Raven up from the couch. “I’m taking this one home. Thanks for having us, Abby, it was good seeing you.”

“Same to you, Anya. Have a good night.”

The remaining people began to pick up the empty beer bottles and cans, collecting red Solo cups and paper plates from around the house. Clarke wiped down all the surfaces of spilled food and drinks, and Miller and Monty put furniture in their right positions. Octavia, Lincoln, and Lexa worked on taking down the decorations. Abby watched over everyone with hawk’s eyes, making sure everything was clean.

It was well past midnight when they finished and, after saying their final goodnights, parted ways.

The car ride was quiet at first. Lexa considered her options: either well Clarke straight up that she told Anya, or let Clarke believe she came up with an excuse for why she wasn’t coming home tonight. She owed it to Clarke to tell her the truth, it wasn’t her secret to tell and yet she told it anyway.

“Clarke I need to tell you something.”

“If it’s about Sara, it’s okay. It’s not like we knew each other back then, and no one knows we’re together so...it’s okay.”

“Oh...that’s not what I was going to say, but good to know.”

“Oh. What was it then?”

“Anya knows about us.”

“About us.” The color drained from Clarke’s face.

“I had to tell her before you offered to take me home in front of Anya and then I never showed up at our place.”

“You could have told her you were staying at Eliza’s like you usually do.”

“But then she would think that you knew and what happened to not telling the squad?”

“Sure, and telling Anya isn’t telling the squad.”

“She’s my sister, Clarke. And we live together.” 

“You’ve kept to yourself until now.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen this way.”

“First you didn’t mean to say that you love me, now you don’t mean to tell people about us. What  _ do _ you mean to do?”

Lexa didn’t have an answer for that. She did, but it wasn’t what Clarke was looking for. “Does this mean I can’t stay at your place tonight?”

Clarke’s hands tightened on the steering wheel but didn’t say anything until they got to her apartment building. “You’re staying.” She slammed the car door shut behind her, clicking the fob to lock the car after Lexa also got out.

They got ready for bed silently, crawling under the covers with pajamas, Clarke snuggled into Lexa. 


	4. You'll Dazzle the Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, long time no see. This chapter has been sitting in my drafts for a while. Clarke's coming out was originally supposed to be timed with my coming out, but that hasn't quite happened yet either, so I changed this chapter a little bit to reflect that.
> 
> Cheers,  
> Red/Rocky

Lexa woke up to gentle sunlight on her face and an empty bed.

“Fuck.” Clarke already left for school. “Fuck.” Clarke already left for school and I have no way to get to my own job. Great. Days after holidays were usually pretty busy because people do stupid things like drop their phones in pools and claim they don’t know why it’s not working.

She dragged herself up and located her phone. There were several messages from her sister asking if she was coming into work, then one more telling her not to bother because she called in sick for both of them already. Lexa sent a quick text to thanks Anya for calling her in as sick, then asked her if she could come pick her up. Her phone started ringing as soon as she set it down, figuring her sister wouldn’t reply for another few minutes. It was Anya.

“Hey An, sorry, if you can’t give me a ride then I’ll start walking.”

“No it’s totally fine, I just, uh, have a guest over.”

“A guest?”

“Someone from the squad ended up staying at our place. Where am I saying I’m picking you up from?”

“Uh, shit. Hm...just say I got lost on a morning run or something.”

“What are you wearing? This has to be believable.”

“I left clothes here the other day, they should be in the other room. Give me a second.”

“Okay.”

Lexa checked the coat closet for the bag she left when she dropped off the cupcake. It was still there, luckily, and looked untouched. “A shirt and some jeans. Not too believable I don’t think.”

“No, it’s not, Lexa.”

“Well what else can I say? Do they know I went home with Clarke?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then we’ll say I went home with someone random from the party and they left before I woke up with a note saying they had to go to work. Sara, if you need a name.”

“Didn’t you date someone named Sara in college?”

“Why does everyone remember this as something significant but me? It was a short fling, that’s it. But is that good enough? Will they take that as an excuse for you to come get me?”

“Yeah, it will have to be. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Great. Thank you so much Anya, I owe you one.”

“You owe me three. You’re lucky I love you.”

“Love you too.”

They hung up. Lexa went to change her clothes and made sure to pack her costume from the night before into the bag that previously held her spare clothes. To pass the time, she wrote Clarke a note saying she was sorry, again, and that she was getting a ride from Anya back to their place. She went back and forth between writing a note and sending a text, deciding a note was more personal, even though Clarke wouldn’t see it until she got home from the school later. By the time she was finished signing her name with a heart at the bottom of the notepad, Anya was laying it on the horn outside. Lexa quickly (but carefully) tore off the sheet of paper and slid it under a free magnet on the fridge, then grabbed her bag and ran outside to their car.

“Thanks again,” she said as she scrambled into the car.

“Whatever squirt. Just remember the favors.”

“You wouldn’t let me forget.”

“True.” Anya didn’t seem too talkative this morning, and Lexa welcomed this, she wasn’t too keen on talking either right now.

When they got to their apartment, Lexa took a quick shower and brewed a large cup of coffee. Even if they didn’t have to work today she still had things to do, like finally unpacking the last boxes from their previous apartment. She and Anya decided that as soon as their last lease was up they were going to move somewhere cheaper and closer to the squad. It was still about a twenty minute drive through the city, but it sure beat an hour without traffic. They didn’t have any friends out where they used to live anyways so it just made sense.

She moved methodically through the place, starting with her own room and then moving to the kitchen. Anya had disappeared into her room as soon as they got back, and there was music floating out under her door but besides that things were quiet on her end. Lexa was expecting Anya to follow her around the apartment as she worked and the lack of questioning made Lexa a little uncomfortable. It wasn’t like Anya to leave something like this for later. A one night stand for every day of the week, that was usual for Lexa, a committed relationship kept secret was not. Lexa put in her earbuds, turned up the volume, and tried not to think about it as she opened box after box.

Lexa was in the middle of her lunch break when Anya finally emerged from her room.

“Do we have an extra toothbrush somewhere?” she asked.

“I don’t know, I haven’t finished the bathroom yet. Why? I thought I saw yours in there earlier.”

“Oh that one’s pretty old so I figured I’d get a new one before my teeth start to rot or whatever.”

Lexa looked at her skeptically. “I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works.”

“Do we have an extra toothbrush or not?” Anya asked again impatiently.

“Check one of the boxes labelled ‘Bathroom.’”

“Thanks for all the help, squid.”

“Says the one doing nothing in her room while I unpack the entire apartment.”

“No one told you that you had to do it all, I would have done some of it eventually. But I appreciate it!” Anya went back into her room and closed the door.

“What about your toothbrush?” Lexa muttered. “Not something worth worrying about, I guess.”

She finished her lunch and put her earbuds back in, then went to work on the bathroom. The first box she opened was their rack for the shower, and the second held their spare toiletries. She picked out a new toothbrush and knocked on Anya’s door to give it to her, fishing one of her earbuds out so she could hear.

“What do you want?” Anya called through the door.

“I found a new toothbrush for you, should I just leave it in the bathroom or do you want it now?”

“Uh, just leave it on the counter in the bathroom, I’ll get it later.”

“Okay--”

“Wait, Raven, don’t open the--” Anya’s door swung open. “...door.” Her sister’s last word rung in Lexa’s free ear, Paramore playing Misery Business in the other, as she stared at the sight before her: Raven in one of Anya’s nightshirts.

“Oh. Hi Raven. Didn’t know you were here.”

“It’s cool, I really just want to brush my teeth, if you don’t mind letting me use that toothbrush?”

“No, sure, go ahead.” Lexa held it out to her. “Knock yourself out.” The dark hair girl limped heavily off in the direction of the bathroom.

Anya stood from the bed. “I guess I should explain.”

“Um. Yeah.”

“She was exhausted and drunk and didn’t want to sleep in the car all the way to her place because of her leg, so I offered to let her crash here. Long story short, she slept in the car and I didn’t want to leave her alone on the couch in case she got sick and we ended up sleeping in the same bed.”

“You slept with her?” Lexa entered the room and sat on Anya’s bed, her face in her hands.

“Well, no.” Anya paused and checked to see that Raven was still down the hall. “We were going to, but her leg cramped up and we had to stop,” she whispered.

Lexa brought her head up and dragged her hands down her face, groaning. “Seriously? I’m so ready for you to get laid, you’re always in such a better mood afterwards for a good week or two. Get on that, will you? For your sake and mine.”

“I’m doing my best. What about you? You were in a productive mood this morning, did things go well last night?”

“Unfortunately no. I talked with her about telling you and she was sort of upset.”

“What do you mean talked with her about telling me? Does she know you told me or not?”

“She knows.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yeah.”

Raven returned just then.

“Anya, you should have told me you were having someone over,” Lexa said, steering the conversation away from herself for now. “I would have made food for everyone or something.”

Anya rolled her eyes. “Or something. You can’t cook for shit, everyone knows that.”

Raven also made a face. “Yeah, the last time you tried to cook something we all got food poisoning.”

“Are you sure that wasn’t the copious amount of alcohol you also drank with it?” Lexa accused her. “My food isn’t that bad, I eat it and I’m fine.”

“You make ramen and spaghetti almost every meal you’re left to fend for yourself,” Anya scoffed.

“Okay, well, stop shitting all over Lexa and let me shower,” Raven cut in. “Mama’s gonna make you all a feast.” She shooed them both out of the way and exited the room clutching some clothes she picked up off the bed.

Lexa turned to Anya, who had a huge grin on her face. “What the fuck are you smiling about?” she growled.

“I’m so making sure that girl gets some special loving tonight.”

“Just leave me out of it, please.”

“Oh no, you do not get a free pass. You want me to get laid? Go find somewhere else to sleep if you don’t want to hear us.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the only person in the world who actually wants their sister to hear them having sex.”

“You’d be surprised, little squid.”

Lexa put her earbuds in. “I’m leaving now.”

/////

Raven did cook them a feast, using practically everything they had in the fridge in the process. Not something Anya and Lexa particularly minded because knew they would be eating well for several days following Raven’s kitchen escapade. There was barely a dent in the amount of food on the table when they all sat back thoroughly stuffed. Reluctantly, they pulled themselves up to put the remaining food in containers.

When that was finished, Raven called Clarke to come pick her up. Anya and Lexa could hear Clarke’s impatient voice answer the phone, then reluctantly agree to get her. Lexa strained to hear Clarke’s voice, wondering how she was, if she was okay. She didn’t want to bother her or seem clingy. Clarke had to work this out on her own, Lexa couldn’t do anything for her right now.

“Alright, Clarke with be here in a little while. I’ll bring back your clothes after I’ve washed them, Lex. I’m going to wait outside.” Raven kissed Anya’s cheek. “Call me later!” She let herself out.

“Didn’t sleep with her?” Lexa said skeptically.

“Didn’t sleep with her,” Anya answered, stuck standing with a surprised look on her face.

/////

Clarke tossed her keys on the table next to the door of the apartment. Walking into the kitchen for a snack, she spotted a note on the fridge. She put her bag down and lifted the magnet to free the sheet of paper.

“Clarke, I’m sorry again for telling Anya. I know there’s nothing I can say to fix this, but I really want to make it up to you. The reservation at Grounders is still set for 8, let me know if I should cancel. By the way, Anya’s picking me up so don’t worry about me getting home. - Lexa”

Lexa. After everything that had gone down the night before, and a hangover, the kids were extra hyped up on sugar in class today. She planned for this, but coloring sheets and paint could only entertain high school students for so long when candy gave them the attention span of a goldfish. It would certainly be no different for the next week or so, the kids would bring their candy hauls to school to swap with their friends and suddenly forget what a trash bin was, dropping their wrappers all over the school grounds. And Lexa still wanted to go to Grounders.

She pulled out her phone to text Lexa. “Don’t cancel the reservation. I’ll be there.”

A few minutes later, Lexa replied, “Great.” Clarke was about to leave her phone in her room to start a bath when she got another text from her. “What will you be wearing so I can match?”

“I don’t know yet,” she said. “I’ll keep you posted.”

Clarke ran herself a bath and forced herself not to think about school or her friends or her mom. She made sure to set a timer, otherwise she would sit in the bath all night. Her thoughts drifted to Lexa, happy moments they’d had together in the past year. There was the time she first held Lexa’s hand at all, tentatively reaching for it in the middle of a dark movie theater and intertwining their fingers. As soon as the light had come up she hastily took her hand back, but Lexa had squeezed her hand at the contact randomly throughout the movie. Clarke was pretty sure the woman was checking to see if she was still there, still wanted to be there. Not that she minded. Lexa’s hand was very nice to hold.

Then there was the date they went on close to Raven’s workshop where Raven’s assistant, Wick, noticed them sitting at a cafe and came over to say hi. Clarke was panicking the entire time he was talking to them, but when he was gone Lexa assured her that they just looked like two friends going out for coffee and there was really nothing to worry about. Lexa had gotten her a charm bracelet that day to cheer her up, along with her first two charms: a raccoon to represent Lexa, and a wrench to commemorate their close call at the cafe. Clarke wore the bracelet the first few days, but from then on kept it in a box in her dresser, adding charms Lexa got her over the months. Since then, a sword, a lion, a Golden Retriever, a computer chip, and a paintbrush were added to the bracelet.

Tears blurred her vision, she curled into a ball against the edge of the tub and rested her chin on her knees. Clarke knew this wouldn’t be easy but she didn’t expect it to be this hard either. She didn’t expect her heart to burst every time she laid eyes on Lexa, didn’t expect to want to shout from every rooftop that she finally got the courage to kiss Lexa. Didn’t expect it to hurt this much to be betrayed by her.

The timer went off and startled her out of her thoughts. Quickly before the water got too cold, she washed up and stepped out of the tub, and pulled the plug to drain it. Her phone rang in the other room, R. Kelly telling her that he “don’t see nothin wrong with a little bump and grind” and signaling that Raven was calling. One of these days she was going to change that ringtone or she was going to forget to silence her phone at school and it would go off in the middle of a class, whichever came first.

“What?”

“Woah, Grif, who put water in your Wheaties this morning?”

“Sorry. Hungover. Kids were hyped up on sugar all day today.”

“Remind me again why you decided to teach high school? Anyways, I need a ride to my place. Wick covered me this morning and afternoon but I promised someone their precious baby by closing tonight so I need to get over there ASAP.”

“Where are you right now? Give me like ten minutes and I’ll be on my way.”

“I’m at Lex and Anya’s, Anya brought me to theirs last night because apparently I was too drunk to sleep alone last night.”

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.” Clarke hung up and tugged on some jeans and a t shirt. She slammed a hoodie on and grabbed her keys from the table. Starting her car, she prayed she wouldn’t have to go up to the door to get Raven, that Lexa wouldn’t be the one to answer the door. With any luck, she wouldn’t even be home to know Clarke came by.

Raven was waiting on the curb for Clarke, wearing what looked like clothes she borrowed from Lexa’s closet. As soon as she opened the door of the car, she was chattering away about getting food on the way to the shop and possibly getting something nice for Wick by the end of the week. Clarke was so deep in her thoughts she didn’t notice that she missed the turn to Taco Bell.

“Griffin, you just missed the turn.”

“Oh uh, sorry, I’ll turn back in a second.”

“What’s got you so distracted?”

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

“Bullshit. I’ve known you for ten years. There’s something on your mind and it’s not Crowler’s Econ exam.”

“I promise you, it’s nothing Reyes.” She made a U turn back to the Taco Bell. “It was a long day at school. What did you do all day at Anya’s?” And Lexa’s.

“I made them a feast after Lexa offered to make us all breakfast. You know how fatal that would have been if we let her.”

“True.” Clarke let out a small chuckle. “It’s a good thing you were there then.”

Raven ordered what she wanted at the first window and paid at the next. She offered to get Clarke something, but Clarke said she’d rather eat Lexa’s cooking that ever eat Taco Bell again. Raven made her try it once and it didn’t sit well in her stomach at all. The food was gone when they pulled up to her shop. Wick’s 1968 Corvette sat outside the open garage, along with another one of a different color. There were two sides to the garage, one door was open and Clarke could see a Subaru raised up in the air, behind the other she knew was Raven’s red 1965 Sting Ray.

“You should come down and see this guy’s car, it’s pretty cool,” Raven was saying.

“Yeah, sure.”

They got out of the car and walked into the main building where Raven kept all the keys in a safe. On their way over to the closed garage, Wick rolled out from under the Subaru, face covered in oil and grease.

“Hey you two!” he said cheerfully.

“I thought I told you to leave,” Raven chided him.

He stood up and shrugged. “Working here makes me feel happy. Besides, this Subaru came in just as I was about to leave and I promised it within the hour.”

“Okay but then you’re leaving.”

“As soon as the bill is printed.”

“Good. I can’t pay you for any more overtime, you realize that right?”

“That’s fine, don’t worry about it. Like I said, I’m happy when I’m working.”

Raven started walking towards the garage again. “Well, make sure you’re happy when you’re home with your husband, too. You haven’t been spending much time with him.”

“Will do!” Wick laid down on the dolly and rolled back under the car.

After lifting the garage door enough for them to duck under, Raven let it shut. She flipped a switch on the wall, lighting up the space and revealing an old Ferrari.

“Meet Queenie, she’s a Ferrari 250 Lusso, made in 1963. Raced for about ten years before retiring. Repainted once in ‘94, almost all original parts,” she rattled off the information to Clarke almost in a trance. She looked so proud of the car, tearing up slightly. “She’s so beautiful.”

“What happened to Veronica? I can’t believe you put her out,” Clarke chuckled.

Raven opened the hood and motioned Clarke over. “I had to move Veronica to the back of the house, there was a rat infestation that I had to take care of and they had to clear out the place. Robby dropped off Queenie before I had a chance to move her back. Look at this engine, it’s pristine.”

Clarke had to agree.

“Hey, so I know you’re not really into cars or whatever, but usually you’re a little more fake enthusiastic about it.”

“I don’t ‘fake’ my enthusiasm. That would make me a terrible friend.”

“If you say so.”

“And I do. I have to go, there’s an early teachers’ meeting that I can’t be late for in the morning. The new Superintendent of the district is coming to visit.”

“Okay.” Raven lowered the hood. “Send Lexa by will you? She always appreciates the cars.”

“I’ll let her know. See you later, Reyes.” Clarke turned to leave.

“Clarke?”

She stopped. “Yeah?”

“I...I just want you to know that I love you, the whole squad does, and if that means never going to another one of your mom’s parties again then so be it. We’re right behind you, all the way. It’s her loss. You should be free to live your life how you want and take as much time as you need to heal from everything that’s happened.”

“Everything that’s happened...?”

“You know, Harper. Finn.”

“Oh. Yeah, all that was pretty crazy.” When Raven didn’t say anything for a moment, Clarke burst out laughing. “I can’t believe I got through all of that, what they did was so shitty.”

“Why...are you laughing? You’re worrying me here, Grif.”

Clarke clutched her side and calmed her laugh enough to answer. “That shitstorm has come and passed, my mother is still on my case about falling in love with some guy, and all I want to do is find out why Lexa thought it would be a good idea to--” Her face paled when she realized what she was about to say.

“Wait, what does Lexa have to do with anything? What did she do?”  
“Nothing. She didn’t do anything. I’ll see you at Thanksgiving, if we don’t see each other before then.”

“We’ve got movie night next weekend, remember?”

“Right, right. Movie night. Bye Rae.” Clarke lifted the garage door and left as quickly as she could. She had to get to Lexa. Saying those words out loud made her realize that she had been through so much with Harper and Finn, and she was making such a big deal about such a little thing. Okay, no, it wasn’t that small of a thing, but in comparison, Clarke had been through so much worse. Lexa deserved better.

She got in her car to text Lexa and hesitated. She didn’t want Lexa to worry if she just sent a quick text asking to talk. On the flip side, arriving unannounced could cause problems with Anya.

“Lexa, is now a good time to come over?”

“Give me like an hour until Anya leaves. I think she’s going over to Raven’s.”

“Didn’t she just come from your place? I literally just picked her up.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, they’re probably going to bang or whatever.”

“Oh thank God, the last thing we need is her desperately sleeping with Bellamy again.”

“Was there a specific reason you wanted to come over?”

Their conversation had fallen into a natural rhythm, Clarke briefly forgot what she originally planned to do. “I need to talk to you about something that can’t wait until tomorrow night. Nothing bad, I just need to get it off my chest.” And I miss you after one day apart.

“I don’t want you to drive all the way back over here if you have that early meeting with the Superintendent.”

“You always remember my schedule so well. I’ll just head home and call you from there if that’s what you’d rather do.”

“That would be better. And whenever you tell me events I put them in my phone just in case.”

“You’re such a nerd. Talk to you soon.”

“Drive safe.”

Clarke set her phone on the dash and rubbed her hands over the cool material of the steering wheel. She had thirty minutes of driving ahead of her, plenty of time to figure out what she was going to tell Lexa.


	5. I Caught Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's professional life is under inspection, will she crack under pressure?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, before we get started: I know Clarke is a mess. I know she is treating Lexa like shit. I know Lexa is too forgiving. 
> 
> I still haven't come out yet, so you know what that means for Clarke.
> 
> Happy reading,  
> Rocky

“They’re starting to suspect something,” Clarke said into the phone, collapsing onto her bed. “Raven practically declared her love for me earlier saying the squad supports me even if my mother doesn’t.”

“She’s not wrong. I do support you.”

“You’re not part of the squad yet, and you’re my girlfriend, you don’t count.”

“Am I allowed to support you at all?”

“Lex, this is serious. I know a little over half the squad is gay in some way, shape, or form, they’ll be supportive if I ever come out.”

“If you ever...? Wait, Clarke, I thought you said you wanted to do it.”

“I do...just maybe now isn’t a good time. There are so many holidays coming up and I just want to focus on fending my mother off for a while.”

“If you keep putting it off, it’s never going to be a good time. Have you ever thought that maybe telling her would help the situation?” It was a stupid question. Of course Clarke had thought about it before. She and Lexa had a whole conversation about it one afternoon while they were watching Netflix at Clarke’s apartment. 

“Look, I didn’t call you to pick a fight. I called you because I wanted to apologize. I was angry and upset over such a small thing, and you telling Anya was probably a good idea. Sure, it hurt that it wasn’t something we worked out beforehand, but it’s not all that significant in what could have happened on a much larger scale. Everything with Harper and Finn, it was always this dramatic mess of things, and compared to that -- compared to that, this is small.”

Lexa took a deep breath. “So...you’re saying our relationship is of little to no consequence to you in comparison to past experiences.”

“No, that is absolutely not what I’m saying. How can I put this...I didn’t care about those relationships and I put so much time and effort into maintaining them, all the while they kept pushing the limits of what I would allow them to do and putting basically no effort in making it a mutually good experience. It wasn’t worth it. Our relationship is the first relationship I’ve felt safe and comfortable in for this long, and we’re both putting in the work. As long as you’re willing to put in the effort to make this work, I am as well. And that means I can’t get angry at such trivial things. Our relationship has higher stakes than any sort of relationship or friendship I’ve ever had before. I care about you so much, Lexa. I don’t want to mess this up, I can’t lose you, too.”

“I appreciate you telling me this,” Lexa said carefully. If there was ever a time that she wanted to tell Clarke she loved her, this was it. She held her tongue. “I’m willing to put every drop of blood and sweat I have into this relationship.”

Clarke paused, slightly amused but not wanting to ruin the serious mood. “Well, I’d say that’s a bit extreme, but okay. I appreciate that too.”

“I just...I’m really sorry Clarke, I don’t know how many more times I can say it but I’ll say it until you know just how sorry I am or you leave me.”

“Lexa, no, don’t say things like that. I told you not to worry, we’re fine. You’re the one making a big deal about this now you big drama llama.”

The other woman was offended. “Did you seriously just call me a drama llama?’”

“Yes, I did. What are you going to do about it?”

“I’m considering hanging up.”

“Wait, okay, don’t do that,” Clarke chuckled. “Lexa, you-- _ us _ \--mean so much to me. I don’t know what I would do without you right now and if you hang up I--”

“Clarke, you’re forgiven.”

“Great, because you are too.” Clarke let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “And I’m wearing that maroon dress you picked out for me tomorrow night.”

“I’ll make sure my tie doesn’t clash,” Lexa grinned.

“Good. I can’t wait to see you.”

“Same,” Lexa replied. “Pick you up at seven?”

“Yeah.”

They were both silent, listening to each other’s breathing on the other end of the line. Then they said their goodbyes and hung up. Clarke shut her eyes. Not exactly the reconciliation she had planned, but she also didn’t really come up with a plan on the drive home. She just wanted Lexa to know that it wasn’t fair how mad she was about Anya and that they were okay.

She let the phone fall to the bed beside her head. It was days like this where she couldn’t quite believe she was brave enough a year ago to drive over to Lexa’s place in the middle of the night to tell her she wanted a second date. Clarke could remember as if it was yesterday how nervous she was, how badly she was shaking, and getting to her car afterwards and punching the air in victory. And then climbing into bed and bursting into tears because it had been the one of the scariest moments of her life: standing on Lexa’s doorstep, finger poised over the buzzer, almost pushing it and running away just to see if Lexa would even answer due to the hour. But Clarke hadn’t run away, and Lexa had answered the door, and now they were here. She was glad she faced her fear.

“She loves me.” Her eyes flew open at the sound of her voice stating the fact.  _ How could someone so good, love me? _ Clarke had thought Harper was good, until the alcohol, and Finn, until he took advantage of her devotion to him. Though she was treading carefully with Lexa, things seemed to be too good to be true. She wasn’t worthy of Lexa’s affections.

Every time Clarke thought she was falling, Lexa was there to hold her up. No matter how many steps Clarke took back in coming to terms with her identity, Lexa would hop back with her and hold her hand through the regrowth.

_ Do I love her? _

The thought frightened her out of her head and she got up to get ready for bed, trying not to think of it any further.

 

/////

 

Clarke’s phone alarm went off. She groaned and slapped around the bedside table for her phone, hoping some part of her hand would touch the snooze button. She set the alarm to wake her up an hour before she was due to leave so she didn’t have much time to waste in bed. Clarke dragged herself into sitting position and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Her phone buzzed again and she pounced on it, thinking the alarm was going off again when she realized that it was actually a good morning text from Lexa. She sent a quick good morning text back with a smiley face emoji. Lexa wished her luck with the new superintendent, then informed Clarke that she was going back to sleep. Clarke laughed at the message.

After a quick shower that she somehow managed to stay awake through, she brewed herself a large cup of coffee and made some toast. She took a few sips of the coffee, ate the toast, then transferred the remainder of the hot liquid to a travel cup for the road. The staff parking lot was already full when she arrived and when she walked into the conference room she discovered the entire staff and faculty was waiting for the Superintendent to get there so the meeting could start. Clarke didn’t notice the principal was missing until she heard her voice in the hallway announcing that this was the conference room where they were holding their meeting.

The new Superintendent was tall, pretty, and wore a loud red dress and high heels. She introduced herself as Alie Ellway, and stated that she was looking forward to working with them all. She gave them a bit of background about herself, which districts she had taught at before, where she went to school. She also shared some goals she had for the schools she was now in charge of. After her speech, everyone in the room clapped and they all filed out to prepare for their students, shaking her hand and wishing her well on her way out. Clarke did the same, noticing an almost predatory sparkle in Ellway’s eye as her grip tightened on Clarke’s hand, holding on for slightly too long. Clarke snatched her hand back when the vice-like fingers finally let up, hurriedly exiting the room without looking back. She felt the woman’s eyes on her as she made her way down the hall to her classroom, sighing with relief when she finally walked into the comfort of the smell of art supplies.

“Hey Clarke?” The principal poked her head through the door as Clarke was getting settled into her desk. “Do you have a moment?”

“Until the bell, sure.”

The principal entered the room and leaned on a table crossing her arms in front of her. She looked uncomfortable, nervous. “I just wanted to give you a heads up. The new Super is considering cutting the art department at several schools, our included.”

The information made Clarke’s stomach drop. “Oh.”

“She’s planning on increasing funding for science programs and she can’t do that with the current distribution of resources. The PTA is working on finding a way to support you and Evelyn for the next year, at least, so that you two aren’t immediately out of a job.”

“You mean she’s letting us go?”

The principal sighed. “We convinced her to at least let you stay on until the end of the school year. She wanted to terminate you at the end of December.” She made air quotes for the word “terminate” to show that it was Ellway’s word, not hers.

“This is...not good news.”

“No it’s not. I’m sorry, Clarke.” With one last final forlorn glance at Clarke, she left the room, brushing past the first students arriving to first period ceramics.

For the rest of the day, Clarke focused on everything but the conversation she had with the principal, briefly breaking down during her prep hour and pulling herself together in time for the next class. Lucky for her that her make up wasn’t too out of place and her eyes weren’t too red because the superintendent decided to pay her a visit. The woman lurked in the back of the classroom after Clarke introduced their important visitor, watching as Clarke’s students fell into their normal ruckus, amplified by the sugar. Despite her best efforts to keep the volume down, she could feel Ellway’s judgement from across the room. Ellway didn’t stay the entire class hour and the moment the sound of her heels clicking faded down the hall, Clarke called the Martin over from next door since she knew he had a free period now and then prep the next period. When she asked if he could take over for her for the rest of the day, he nodded knowingly having also heard about the department budget shift from the principal. Clarke needed some time to herself, and teaching her last class wasn’t going to bring the art department back.

Once outside, Clarke took a deep breath of fresh air. She almost wished she had a joint, thinking back to before she quit after four months of smoke after smoke with Finn in alleyways and parks. No. She was stronger than that. No substance could give her the clarity she needed to face everything that was happening head on.

“Oh--hey.”

Clarke turned toward the voice. “Lexa? What are you doing here?” Her brow furrowed.

“I-I wanted to surprise you.” Lexa looked down at the bouquet of flowers in her hand, then quickly hid them behind her back with a guilty grin. “I was going to sneak around the back but then I saw you here.”

Clarke roughly grabbed Lexa’s arm and pulled her around the side of the building. “We can’t be seen together right now,” she whispered.

“Why not?” Lexa whispered back.

“The new Superintendent is out to get me. I can’t give her any more reasons to hate me.”

“Didn’t you two just meet this morning? What did you do?”

“I have no idea, but she wanted to cut the entire art department by the end of December. They convinced her to let me and Evelyn stay until the end of the year, and the PTA is trying to figure out how to scrounge enough money to pay us for at least one more year after this, but I don’t see it happening.” Clarke realized she was still holding on to Lexa and let go.

“Wow...I’m so sorry.”

“You need to leave, I have to find a way to change her mind.”

“What? No, I am not going anywhere. You need all the support you can get right now.” Lexa put a hand on Clarke’s shoulder and felt the blonde trembling under her. “Clarke? Clarke, I need you to breathe, okay?”

“I’m going to be out of a job. I should have just been a doctor like my mom wanted me to, and married the first guy she found for me. Then maybe we’d still talk about something other than how disappointed she is in me. Maybe I’d be happy.”

Lexa’s heart broke. Clarke loved her students, she always said they were the best part about the job. To lose them, too... “We’re going to my place. I’m telling Anya to steer clear for the next few days and you’re staying where nobody knows where to bother you.”

“What about school? And your customers?”

“Good point.” Lexa thought for a moment. “Can you make it until the weekend?”

“Stay at my place,” said Clarke.

“You’re sure that’s a good idea?”

“Don’t you still have Bellamy’s spare key?”

“No, I gave it back last night. And besides, your mom also has one, right?”

“Fuck,” Clarke muttered. “ _ Fuck _ .”

But Lexa was giggling.

“What are you laughing about,” Clarke grumbled.

“We sound like we’re trying to cover a murder.”

“My career and well being are on the line here, we might as well be! If my mom found out I was dating you  _ and _ lost my job--”

“Clarke, my love, light of my whole entire world.” Lexa took Clarke’s face in her hands. “Everything will be fine. Everything will work out. If you lose your job and can’t make rent, you can move in with me and Anya. If your mother comes after you, I’ll be the first line of defense, and I’m sure the others will be right behind me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we’ll support you until the very end Clarke. We all love you. I will help you through this.”

Clarke placed her hand over Lexa’s and nuzzled her face into her touch. “Thank you.” She moved in to kiss Lexa’s cheek, but Lexa turned at the last moment and pressed their lips together.

She felt Clarke instinctively jerk away, but she fought to hold on for a moment longer. “Stop running away from yourself,” Lexa said when she let go, searching for Clarke’s eyes. Green found blue and suddenly they both felt a wave of calm wash over them. “You’ll be okay.”

“Okay.” Clarke sniffed and nodded. “I’ll be okay.”

Lexa leaned down and picked up the flowers she dropped. “I believe these are for you.” She held them out.

Clarke took them and smelled them, a small smile forming. “Thanks, Lex.”

“Ready to head out?”

“I actually left my bag in the classroom, I’ll be right back.” She turned to go around the back of the building.

“Wait, Clarke.” Lexa caught up with her. “I’ll come with you.”

Clarke thought for a moment. “Fine, but you’re holding the flowers. You at least look hot enough to be carrying them around.”

“You’re--”

“You can tell me later, here comes the super.”

Ellway gave Clarke a look over. “Cutting class?”

“My friend had an emergency.” Clarke pointed to Lexa, who waved the flowers at Ellway.

“I’m afraid I’ve ruined my lunch date,” Lexa said, acting guilty. “Clarke always knows what to do when I ruin yet another woman’s life.”

An eyebrow arched. “And here I thought you were a sight for sore eyes.”

Lexa shrugged. “What can I say, I’m a heartbreaker.”

“So you drop everything every time a friend needs help, Miss Griffin? Admirable quality, I must say.” The glint in her eye was malicious to the bone. “For a charity worker, perhaps.”

_ The fucking  _ nerve _ of this woman. _ Clarke ground her teeth together into a smile. “Some would say teaching a high school art class is practically the same thing as charity.”

“Touche.” Ellway turned on her heels and clicked away down the hall.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Lexa muttered. “Clarke are you okay?”

“No,” said Clarke, laughing slightly. “But fuck her. I’m getting my bag and we’re going to my place. I don’t care who has a key at this point, you’re my girlfriend and I want the world to know.”

Lexa really couldn’t argue with that.


	6. I'll Reach For You and Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have a little chat about the past year and make new promises.

At her apartment, Clarke texted the inner squad about having Lexa’s initiation that Friday instead of movie night. They all agreed and set a time to meet at the lake. Clarke passed the information to Lexa.

“Great, I’m going to get leafy stuff in places I shouldn’t,” Lexa said, rolling her eyes playfully at Clarke. She was excited, though, it wasn’t every day she got to go skinny dipping with her friends in the middle of the night.

“It’s actually not that bad,” said Clarke. “You just have to get used to the idea that there may or may not be worms that wriggle up--”

“You better not finish that sentence if you want me to show up at all!”

Clarke held up her hands and laughed. “Okay, okay, sorry.”

Lexa leaned over the gap between them on the couch and kissed Clarke, a smile playing across her lips as well.

“Help me plan how I’m going to tell everybody,” Clarke said when they pulled apart.

“Do you have any ideas yet?”

“I was thinking we could just start making out at the bonfire and let them figure it out.”

Lexa frowned. “I hope you’re kidding.”

“Yes, relax, Lexa, there’s no way I could do that. But maybe at, like, dinner or something I could say something.”

“That sounds like a more reasonable plan.” Lexa noticed Clarke’s eyes were unfocused and staring across the room. Her girlfriend’s brow was furrowed despite the soft smile she still held. “Clarke...I know you’re worried about how everyone will take it, but--”

“I’m not worried about the squad.” Clarke’s eyes shifted back into focus on Lexa. “I’m wondering if there is even a shred of empathy left in my mom to care if I’m happy with whoever I’m with. She’s on the brink of cutting me out of the family when we’re the only family we have and I don’t want to lose her.”

“You won’t be without family if you lose her Clarke. Sometimes your chosen family is the one that gets you through life.”

“I guess.”

Lexa stood and pulled Clarke to stand beside her, holding on to her hands. “Say it to me.”

“What?”

“Practice telling them by saying it to me.”

“I...” Clarke looked away. “This is ridiculous, Lexa. What am I supposed to say to them?”

“Hm,” Lexa thought for a moment. “You’re bi, right? So say that.”

Clarke still hesitated.

“Start with saying you’re going to tell me something.”  
“I have to tell you something...”

Lexa squeezed her hands. “Okay, what is it?”

“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now, and I think it’s time to finally say it. I’m not ready, but it’s time.”

“I’m sure whatever it is isn’t as scary as you think it is.”

Clarke took a deep breath. “Lexa, I’m bi. I like guys and girls, not just girls and not just guys. Everybody.”

“Well, Clarke, whoever you like, I support you.”

“And you’re still my girlfriend.” Clarke groaned. “Lexa, this doesn’t work, I know support me. I’m not nervous at all.”

“Okay, but what if I said that I didn’t support you? Do you think that would work better?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.”

“Then let’s try again.” Lexa wasn’t sure this was the best route, but she really wanted this to happen. She needed Clarke to come out. And she hadn’t realized how much until now.

Clarke shuffled her feet and cleared her throat. “I, um, need to tell you something.”

“What is it, Clarke?”

“I’m bisexual.”

Lexa scoffed. “You can’t like more than one gender. It’s one or the other. You’re either gay or you aren’t.”

“You do realize there are more than two genders right?” 

“Sure, but I’m pretty sure you can’t like more than one.”

“Next you’re going to say that you can’t like more than one person at a time. In case you didn’t know, that’s called polyamory and people do make it work.”

“Even if you did like more than one gender, Clarke, how do you know? You’ve never been in a relationship with a girl. What if you’re just pretending?” Lexa didn’t mean these words, but there was a sharp edge to them.

“Lexa, y-you--” Clarke let go of Lexa’s hands, sensing the change in her tone. This was no longer about practicing coming out, this was about her not coming out sooner.

“No, Clarke, you’ve spent way too long in denial of who you are. You pick one or the other, you can’t have both, you can’t make everyone happy. You will lose people in your life, Clarke. That’s just how life is.” The words were out of Lexa’s mouth before she could stop herself. And more were on their way. “You can’t just keep stringing people along until you’re ready to get hurt.”

Lexa took a step back from Clarke. She felt the frustration she’d been keeping inside over the last few months rise in her throat. As much as she wanted to stop, she really couldn’t help what she said next.

“I may support your identity no matter what it is, but if you don’t tell your friends soon, I will. Because I’m tired of dancing around behind their backs and dodging questions about an ’Eliza’ that doesn’t exist. I’ve tried to be so fucking patient over the last year, Clarke, I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted to hug you or kiss you before I remembered that you weren’t comfortable with that. I tried so hard to put your comfort first, but it’s been so long since I was able to go to--I don’t know, a beach or something--and show people that it’s okay, that it’s okay to be queer and to be proud of it. That we exist and we’re happy.

“Pull your head out of your ass and realize that not everybody can wait on you forever, that there isn’t always going to be the ‘fix-all’ way to do things by keeping parts of yourself from people. You already know that if I could spend the rest of my life with you, I would. But I can’t do it in the closet.”

Clarke didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to feel. These were definitely things Lexa had been keeping inside of herself and Clarke felt guilty because she knew this was going to come up sooner or later and she still didn’t know how to respond.

“Clarke--” Lexa drew in a breath and her eyes widened. The steel in her voice was gone. “That wasn’t--I meant--”

“You’ve said the words, you can’t take them back,” Clarke whispered. “Don’t take them back. Some part of you meant it because you were able to say it.”

“Do you...Do you need some time to process?”

“N-no, I think we should talk this out. Together.”

“Okay.”

They sat back on opposite ends of the couch.

“Lexa,” Clarke tucked some stray hairs behind her ear. “You obviously have some bottled up feelings about how long we’ve been seeing each other without telling anybody. I’ve been stressed and frustrated, but that is no excuse for me to be selfish. We’re in this together, and I want to hear what you have to say.”

“I-I don’t know what else there is to say, Clarke. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Lexa picked at a stray thread on the couch. “I’m sorry.”

“We’re all bound to go a little crazy sometimes. Especially after the year you’ve had.”

Lexa gathered her thoughts and tried to pinpoint exactly what had triggered her rant. “I think...I think I should have talked to you earlier. I thought I was prepared to wait for as long as it took, but...Do you remember the first day of the school year? When we went to that art show in Ton DC and the art coordinator pulled you away to ask you to do some pieces for their next show?”

“Yeah?”

“The coordinator’s wife came up to me and told me you would change your mind. That her husband used to think he was gay too.”

“Oh, Lex...”

“And I couldn’t help but think, just for a second, that you might leave me and actually get with Bellamy like everyone thinks you will. I doubted your feelings for me. And wonder if you didn’t want to come out because you didn’t really like me. Sure, you put on a great performance at my house the night you told me you had fun on our date, but what if that’s all it was, an act?”

“Lexa, I would never--”

“I know. I know you wouldn’t. But imagine yourself in my shoes. The moment she said that I laughed at her, told her I was sure you weren’t like that, and when she walked away I almost cried because I wondered if you would be like her husband, too. Do you know how long he and his boyfriend were together before she and him got married? Four years, all through college. And then someone found out he was dating a guy and he got scared. Married his wife the next year, just to prove he was straight.”

“Do you really believe...?”

Lexa shook her head. “The story isn’t done. Yes, he thought he was gay, so he married the first woman that approached him just to prove he could. Less than six months into their marriage he tells her that he still loves his ex-boyfriend, but he also loves her. So what does he do? Does he stay with her for the rest of their miserable lives, feeling sad that he ended a good thing with his boyfriend because he didn’t want to lose any friends? No. He feels bad that he let peer pressure get to him and now he owns his identity. They all have brunch on most weekends and sometimes he spends the night at his boyfriend’s house. It’s a happy ending because he came to terms with who he is and told the people that mattered most in his life, pushing through his fear of getting hurt and left those who didn’t support him behind. It was a little messy, but he made it. They all made it.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Clarke asked.

“Because I know you can get through it too,” Lexa replied. “You’re strong, Clarke. No matter how rough it gets, you won’t give up.”

“Okay, but...you said you almost cried?”

Lexa’s eyes found Clarke’s. “I almost gave up that night.”

Clarke’s eyes widened.

“After our talk about how things had to be when the school year started, how we had to be even more careful about meeting in places students might be, I wanted to end things with you.”

“You should have told me what you were feeling,” said Clarke.  
“I know, I should have, but I didn’t and now we’re here.” Lexa brushed the back of her fingers across Clarke’s cheek. “The coordinator’s wife convinced me to keep going, to wait just a little longer, because sooner or later you are going to stop running away from yourself just like her husband did and I could only hope it was while you were still with me and not with someone else. There is going to be that one thing that triggers something inside of you and you are going to come away from this stronger than ever before.”

“Lexa, I’m so sorry.” Clarke started sobbing. “I knew you were getting tired of me putting this off, and how selfish I’ve been about it. Thank you so much for sticking by my side through all of my drama.”

“Now who’s the drama llama,” Lexa chuckled. She held out her arms for Clarke. “Come here. I’m sorry, too.”

Clarke threw herself into Lexa’s arms and clung to her shirt, as if Lexa would disappear at any moment. She buried her face in the crook of Lexa’s elbow and cried, she cried until she thought of a plan. Sniffing, she pulled her face away from Lexa’s elbow. She cringed at the wet mess of tears and snot she left behind.

“Sorry,” she sighed. “I’ll get something to clean that up. She tried to move out of Lexa’s hold, but the brunette pulled her closer.

“It’s okay,” said Lexa. “We can deal with it later. I just want to hold you.”

Clarke nodded. “Please.”

They sat on the couch for a while. Clarke told Lexa her plan and Lexa agreed that it was a good plan. Clarke would tell her friends tonight, after their dinner at Grounders.

/////

Lexa hadn’t planned to go back home after she tried to surprise Clarke, so she had her clothes for the restaurant in her car. As she waited for Clarke to get dressed, Lexa fiddled endlessly with her tie. It was a similar shade to Clarke’s dress and Lexa had picked out her best black oxfords to go with her black suit. Her white shirt was recently dry cleaned and pressed. After all, it wasn’t often she went out to an anniversary dinner with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Clarke came out of the bathroom poking some jewelry through her ears. Her dress was long, but came to an end just above her ankles, the top of the fabric sitting low on her chest and the inch-wide straps straining against the stretch. Lexa knew if Clarke turned around, the back of the dress would cut down her back in a V and intricately designed lace would fill the open space in between.

Clarke noticed Lexa staring at her. “What?”

“Y-you just--” Lexa stood fish mouthing for a moment. “You look great, Clarke. You look really great.”

“Oh,” Clarke blushed. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

Lexa felt her own face grow warm. “Thanks.”

“I’m going to grab my heels from the closet and then we can go, okay?”

Lexa nodded. She picked up her keys off the bed and followed Clarke out of the bedroom.

They held hands all the way to the restaurant, only letting go so Lexa could shift gears, and when they were seated across from each Lexa didn’t want to get go. Clarke leaned her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her hands, watching and listening as Lexa read the menu to her. They decided on two dishes that they both thought sounded good so that they could try some of each other’s. Clarke picked the wine, because Lexa was more of a beer woman and had zero idea about wine.

They talked about Clarke’s day at work, and then Lexa’s day at work. How the students were probably only half of the way through their bags of candy because they were still working on trades with their friends, and how the repair shop was busier than usual because the number of people who drop their phones in pools on Halloween is actually quite high. How Clarke might have to find another job, and how Lexa could help her maybe get one at the gaming company Anya worked at.

“I’m not talented enough for that,” Clarke said.

“Oh come on, of course you are. Do you know how many people apply who have never held a drawing tablet in their life? By that standard, you’re overqualified,” said Lexa.

Clarke picked at her food. “Well...”

“I-I’m sorry, I just assumed--”

“I’m more of a painter,” Clarke told Lexa.

“Okay, so what about that gallery we met at? People loved your work there. And you have the one coming up at Christmas that you’re preparing for. Maybe one of them will hire you on their staff. Not just for your art, but to do other things.”

“I don’t know, that one is kind of out of the way, and this one is too...I would feel weird picking out people’s pieces after showing my own.”

“But that’s a sign that you’re growing, that you have a reputation.”

Clarke took a sip of wine. “I’ll think about it. Try to figure out another option first. There’s got to be other schools hiring, right?”

Lexa didn’t want to be too pessimistic with her answer, but judging by Clarke’s school district, she doubted other districts were faring any better in the arts. “We won’t know until we look.”

Clarke reached for Lexa’s hand over the table, who gladly obliged. “You’ve been here every step of the way this year and I’ve basically put you through Gay Hell, but you’ve been so patient and caring and supportive the whole way through. After tonight, no more sneaking around, no more breakdowns and apologies over close calls and the weight of not knowing what’s going to happen. Lexa, you’ve taught me so much this year and it’s time for me to stop being selfish and finally do something for you.”

“Clarke, really, we can--”

“I promise to be a better person for you. To listen to your needs more often and recognize when you might be feeling uncomfortable in a situation. To be a shoulder to cry on when you’re down, to celebrate when you’re happy. To make sure that we have more good days than bad days together. And to thank you for being you.” Clarke produced a ring from the inside of the top of her dress and held it up for Lexa to see, slipping it onto Lexa’s finger when Lexa nodded her consent.

“That’s what gal pals are for,” Lexa muttered, blushing heavily.

/////

“So what’s up, Grif? Why’d you call us all out here so late in the middle of the week?” Raven asked.

Raven, Bellamy, Octavia, Wells, and Lincoln were packed on and around Clarke’s couch, waiting for her to tell them why they were assembled. Lexa set down a tray of tea in front of them and then took her place standing next to Clarke across from the group.

“I need to tell you all something I should have told you a long time ago. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m sure as hell not ready now, but I’m an adult and you’re my best friends and you need to know: Lexa and I are dating.” Clarke looked over her shoulder at Lexa and and reached for her hand. “We’ve been together for a year now.”

The group was silent for a minute.

Bellamy spoke first. “Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I definitely wasn’t expecting it.”

“Yeah,” Raven agreed. “Are you sure this isn’t a prank? Because I know Lexa’s like, the gayest gay ever to exist, but you...you’re one of the straightest people I know.”

“I’m not gay,” Clarke coughed nervously. “I’m bisexual, so that might be why your gaydar is having trouble.”

“Wow Clarke, this is big news,” said Wells. “How long have you known?”

“Since high school.”

They were all silent again until Lexa prompted the last two people in the room. “Octavia? Lincoln?”

“Did you have feelings for Harper?” Octavia asked. Lincoln looked at her curiously, wondering how that could possibly be relevant.

“That’s--” Lexa started. 

“No, it’s okay. Now that they know, it’s okay,” Clarke assured Lexa. She turned to Octavia. “Yeah, I did. She never knew, though, and I don’t plan on ever telling her about it.”

“I knew there was something bigger going on than you two just being friends,” said Raven. “You kept going back to her even though she treated you like shit. You loved her.”

“She was my friend, of course I loved her,” Clarke said.  
“But it was more than that,” Bellamy said, nodding. “It was always more than that.”

“I swear, we were just friends.”

Raven crossed her arms. “If you say so.”

“You look happy Clarke, I’m happy for you,” said Lincoln. He got up and held his arms out, embracing Clarke as she moved towards him. The others also got up and did the same, Wells pulling Lexa into the hug too.

Clarke’s hand found Lexa’s in the mass of bodies. “I am happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo, thanks for sticking through to the end! Sorry for missing my update on Tuesday, I wanted to get the anniversary dinner in at least decent condition before editing the rest of the chapter and school stuff got in the way.
> 
> A group hug to end it all!! I'm so happy Clarke finally came to her senses, now Lexa can say she told her so. This was really hard for me to end here, but I have some big plans for a series that I'm hoping to write over the summer. (Spoiler, Clarke will do better like she promises.) I hope you enjoyed the roller coaster that is this work, thanks for reading! See [here](http://chipped-spines.tumblr.com/post/161556843980/lets-talk-about-this-for-a-second) for more notes.
> 
> Rocky


End file.
